Friday, June 13, 2008

What to say?

I don’t know how to begin this post. I don’t know quite what to I’ll just get it out. David had his MRI and there is tumor activity. Although intuitively I already knew…to hear those words just broke my heart. I can’t say how…I just knew. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been down this road before and I could see those subtle changes or if was completely intuitive. But I knew and it was tying my stomach in knots for weeks. But now it’s official. And now we go down a new path.

Surgery is no longer a viable option. This is such a nasty insidious little tumor that the month respite from treatments after a surgery is just too long of a gap and it gives the cancer cells too much time to grow and spread. This has been painfully obvious after both his March and April surgeries. Also, the chance for another stroke and more severe and possible permanent paralysis is also much more likely. And thankfully, we have an amazing Neuro-Oncologist whom not only is worried about David’s treatments…he’s focused on getting Dave the best quality of life. What point is it prolonging his life, if he is completely incapacitated both mentally and physically? What kind of life would that be? It wouldn’t be living and it’s not our David. So. We have some options but not many. We’re getting closer to the end of this journey and although my heart is absolutely breaking, we both know it to be true. There are some drug options, also the doctors are steering away from anything which tends to cause digestive and colon issues. David doesn’t need that either. They will meet at the tumor board next week and discuss his case and see what options we have. Really, it’s a different drug or just Palliative care. Which would be to treat the symptoms, but no longer go after the tumor. At this point, David wants to continue with the drugs…as long as they do not interfere with him living his life and doing the things he wants to. We plan to spend a lot of time in the coming weeks trying to get out more. Play. Spend time as a family. Loving each other.

We’ve already had many serious talks…and I’m sure there will be many more to follow. David is so amazing. From the moment the doctors told him the results, there was a change. He came back to us…completely. Our David is back and it is such a precious gift to have him here again. To be able to talk to him and curl up in his arms on the couch. I can’t explain it. Although, I guess I don’t have to. I just think David is an amazing man, and whatever he puts his mind to…he has this uncanny ability to do whatever he needs to. Even up until this point, his symptoms have been minimal in comparison to the norm for this kind of tumor. Even now, two years later…he amazes the staff because even with everything going on with his body, he is doing remarkably well. He continues to be an inspiration to us all. And I hope in the coming days to always keep that with me. To remember that we can all do anything we set our minds to. And life is really all about what you make it. And that strength lies within us and we have the power to unlock it. Because we carry it with us always.

As far as David is coping. He is doing remarkably well…better than me I think. He said he feels at peace and I believe him. You can see it in his movements...You can see it in his face. He’s not concerned about what lies ahead, because he said he will be just fine. He is more worried about Alec and I. He says his road is much easier than mine. So, even now. David isn't concerned about himself, he is concerned about the welfare of others. Because that is and always has been who david was. A kind and generous man. And his greatest hope he said, was for me to be happy and at peace too. Bless his heart.

I just wish…I wish for so many things. But I wish that our roads were on the same path. David is my best friend and my lover, and we have shared everything together. And I never envisioned to be continuing this journey without him. He makes the world a better place and I absolutely love life with him. But for now. For now I will try to enjoy these days with him. Sitting on the porch at night watching the storms roll through, sipping tea and talking about all the amazing things we have done together. Trying to enjoy and capture these precious moments and somehow find peace myself.


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