The question of the hour…

Everyone has been asking me the same question as of late. “How are you doing?” Honestly I don’t know how I’m doing anymore. I’m surviving. That about sums it up. I’m doing the doggy paddle as I swim through all of this crap. Treading water really. Just trying to keep my head above water. I go under periodically but a kind soul is always there to give me a little help and pull me back up. And I continue on…

The days are beginning to blend and I’m not as aware of time passing because everything is a blur of caretaking, exhaustion, concern and sadness. We have little moments of joy each day and I hold those close to my heart...buoying me through to the next day.

I’m trying not to focus as much on the future…because that is just too much for me to bear right now. A future without David is unimaginable at the moment and best not to dwell on. I will have to face that future soon. But right now I need to get through today. Get through tomorrow.

My focus right now is to make sure that David and Alec are getting the care they need and trying to create little moments of serenity and smiles amongst all of this. Eat somewhat regularly and get sleep where I can get it.

David continues to remain David. Which is unheard of with a GBM at this stage. He still has his sharp wit and his memory is quite good. But he continues to get weaker by the day. Many days he doesn’t leave his room and when he does…he is only able to move a few feet before becoming exhausted and unstable. Watching the love of your life slowly fade away is brutal. And as I watch his body slowly fail…it is killing me inside because there is not a damn thing I can do. I can keep him comfortable and warm. I can make sure all of his needs are being met. I can love him. But I can’t stop the cancer that is slowly killing him. It’s an amazingly helpless feeling and I hate it. Actually there are a lot of things I hate about it. But really, who enjoys cancer?
So, I have no clue how I will survive the next leg of this journey but I will. Somehow. Because I always do.