Thursday, June 11, 2009

Moving Forward...

It is difficult thing...moving forward. Terrifying some days. I think the vulnerability can be more acute, because you truly know what it means to have loved and lost. It is a complex and often delicate topic. Creating murky waters. Some will dip their toes in the water, testing them only to pull them out and sit on the shore for a bit longer. Others may choose to never get in again, preferring to dance on the shoreline alone. And some may go for a leisurely swim and then decide to take a break on the sand, basking in the sun on their own. While others will dive in head first, totally submerging themselves. There is no right or wrong way. Just the way we choose. Each of us will find it on our own and in our own time.

I think that opening yourself up once again takes great courage. You risk getting your heart broken. But that is always a risk, whether or not your beloved has died. You risk finding love again, only to lose it once more. You risk watching another lover die. You risk giving your heart to someone and then having them do a two step all over it. And yet, I believe the benefits far outweigh the risks. Because only if you truly open yourself up, can you ever truly experience love again. And for me, that cushions the fall a bit.

Not that you will ever have that same love again. You can’t. And it one of the damnable things to accept. But that is not to say that one cannot find hope again. Or love. Or passion.

I have found that some on this journey may try to replace their beloved. I think that is a difficult path. Your lover is gone and no matter how your heart breaks, they will never be coming back. They are gone and I do not believe you can ever truly fill that specific void again. Time and healing will help us to discover how not only to survive but to live. It will always be there, but hopefully the ragged torn edges will heal and we will be left with a more tender pain and quiet sadness. But something that is no longer all encompassing. It will become another tread on our heart. Not to diminish the pain and heartbreak we feel when we lose a loved one, our heart was torn apart and that kind of heartbreak is going to leave scars. And those scars will become a part of us, changing us as we carry them. Some days they may weigh us down. But our hearts will mend and beat strong. Thankfully our hearts seem to be made of stronger stuff than I ever imagined. They can be torn out of your chest, beaten and dragged around. Run over repeatedly. And yet it still beats. We continue to live despite that fact our heart seemed broken beyond recognition.

I believe one can never have that same love though, it is unattainable. You will never find that person again and for better or worse you are no longer that same person anymore either. That love you had is gone and can never be recreated. And yet, I do not think this means the end of all hope. It just means that if you choose to find love again, it will be different. It will always be different. But with that, you may discover new things about yourself that were hence undiscovered. And you can find joy once again. And hope. You can smile. Maybe your heart has the capacity to hold more love than you ever imagined. And that love might be just as amazing as the last, only different. Like different hues in a rainbow. You will find someone who will take your breath away. Someone that you can see yourself hopefully growing old with and when you look at their hands, you may imagine them spanning the years…becoming aged and wizened, but still clasping yours. You may look into the eyes of a new lover. Or friend. Or both. And you may see love and tenderness. Someone who can sooth your own aching heart. And you will discover a new love. A new life. And with it new dreams.

Some have said they do not want to find love again. They only want a partner, a friend, or a good father. That they found love once and that is enough. It is different for everyone. There is no right path. No map really. We are all just wandering along creating our own paths. For me, I want rockets. I want someone to take my breath away. To have that glorious feeling of butterflies in my stomach when he enters the room. And when he touches me I want my skin to be on fire. Some believe that you can find a lover, or a good father, or a friend. But not all at once. Call me crazy but I believe that is all possible in one man.

There is no perfection in love. I am far from perfect as was David. And I think it is so easy to canonize your dead spouse. Yes, you loved them and there will never be another person like them in this world, but they were not perfect. Sometimes it is easy to forget that. A wise friend once said most men would never be able to live up to a saint and some would not even try. Dave was no saint, but I could see what he meant when I went back and read some of my writings. We had a beautiful marriage. Our love was strong and we had a good run for longer than many. It is easy to remember all the amazing things about him, and with that I think in some ways I was canonizing him. Creating this person that was larger than life. But he wasn’t. He was all too human as his own mortality is evidence of. He had strengths and weaknesses. He had hopes and fears. He rose to the occasion, but it is not to say he did not stumble. But bloody hell, we all stumble.
He was an astounding person and my life will forever be better for having had him in it for the last 16 years. I hope to take all the beautiful things I learned from him and being with him in life…as I live. As I move forward.

So here we are. It is a painful lesson to learn but a priceless one as well. Life is too short and love is one of the most precious things this world has to offer…and I for one believe we should embrace that however fleeting or eternal it may be.


At June 11, 2009 2:48 PM, Blogger Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Yes, you can find a lover, friend, father for your child all in one person. Again. Maybe your second great love can even be better than the first? Why not?

In some ways, I could not find Mr. Fresh until I started to realize exactly how human Gavin was -- how imperfect our marriage was. Until that pedestal started to break. So I listen for this in others on the path as one sign of readiness for risk. Not being an expert or anything.... :-)

But really? Finding love #2 was only possible once I started loving myself. And that has only been since the loss, somehow.



At June 12, 2009 12:09 PM, Anonymous Roads said...

Many thanks -- that's beautifully expressed, Skye.

And yes, Supa is right (as always). It takes courage to move forwards, and more than anything it takes a special kind of resolve. Even considering that there will one day be a new future marks another not insignificant acknowledgement that your lost love is not returning, and the realisations that brings are anything but comfortable.

But above all, the most important step to make is to realise that destiny lies in your hands, and yours alone. Yes, you are a victim of all that came before. It's unfair, and ghastly, and the events which have unfolded will cast a different light on life, for ever.

But remaining a victim is all too easy. We can define ourselves by what has happened, or we can choose to learn from it as best we can, and take it with us.

Yet please don't misunderstand me. None of this is simple, and these new perspectives take time and fortitude beyond belief to nurture. But one day, they will hold sway.

Life can continue -- as you say, it will be different, but it'll be a life worth living, just the same.

All best wishes, and spirits up.

At June 12, 2009 12:22 PM, Blogger Chelsea said...

I am much earlier on in my journey than you - and as such moving forward is not in the forefront of my mind, however thinking of the future it's hard to imagine what I will feel a year from now, 3 years from now, 5, 10, 20 years from now.

I worry that I would only let myself find someone for companionship, and how would that be fair to that person? To me? Elias told me he would want me to find someone new and move forward, but it seems like it would feel like cheating on him. I don't know when I won't feel married anymore.

I guess this is all because it's so fresh. I know Elias wasn't perfect (and I'm certainly not either), but we were perfect for eachother. Of course we had our 'issues', but that's just it - they were ours.

Thanks so much for your posts Skye (and for the others who comment) I have found your writing incredibly helpful.


(our story can be found at and I just started

At June 12, 2009 3:21 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Beautifully written - poetic.

At June 12, 2009 3:42 PM, Blogger Star said...

Amen. Amen. Amen. I just started dating again. I think maybe I am that totally submerge myself type you wrote about. I know I will never have the same love but I have great hope that I will love again.

I want the full scale story too. I want to be swept off my feet which actually did not happen with Roger (we grew into love). I want to have the romantic story movies are made of. Maybe it won't happen but I can hope and dream.

But I truly believe I will love again. And be in love. I will not settle. I had it once and I will have it again.

Love this entry!

At June 13, 2009 2:32 AM, Anonymous Dewdrop said...

Very well expressed Skye (and Supa).
I agree with every single word... every expression of emotion there.

All the Best from London.

At June 15, 2009 12:36 PM, Blogger Satine said...

--And just a comment on your heartfelt post, “Learn the past, watch the present, and create the future.”--

...***Also wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday on the 20th with much looking forward!!!***

At June 16, 2009 3:44 AM, Blogger Single Parent Dad said...

Different is the right word. Like it or not, any old life, and relationship, is gone, obliterated.

Comparisons are inevitable, probably more by people outside of any new relationship. But ultimately are irrelevant.

At June 23, 2009 6:48 PM, Anonymous Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great writing! I have added you to my blogroll, Cancer Blog Links at I put the entry under brain cancer. I hope that it correct. Also...Open invitation to you and your readers to participate in the Being Cancer Book Club. This month we are discussing “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. “...the lecture he gave ... was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because “time is all you have…and you may find one day that you have less than you think”). It was a summation of everything Randy had come to believe. It was about living.”
Monday is Book Club day; Tuesday Guest Blog and Friday Cancer News Roundup.
Also check out Cancer Blog Links containing over 225 blog links and Cancer Resources with 230 referenced sites, both divided into disease categories.
Please accept this invitation to join our growing cancer blogging community at
Take care, Dennis

At July 01, 2009 12:46 AM, Blogger AndreaRenee said...

I just came across your blog, and I'm so glad. You are giving me hope that while I'll never have the love I had, I could have something just as great someday - just different... You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

At December 01, 2016 4:18 AM, Blogger uầy ôi said...

Nice blog !!!
thanks for sharing
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