Sunday, March 22, 2009

Pop...

How do we do this? Any of us. Day in and day out? I am so tired of being alone. Of carrying all this crap around in me all the time. Of being strong. Of being a single parent. Of being a single woman. I hate it all some days. Although that statement in itself is laughable. Of course I hate it! This is not a dance on the beach or frolic in the park. It is widowhood.

I never envisioned my life would take a detour down this hellishly shitty road and some days it sucks. Some days more than others. And some days are amazingly quite bearable. But I hate this road…I really do. Whether the day be filled with smiles or tears.

I miss having someone around to talk to at night. Someone to share my life with. Someone to hold me and who makes me come alive. Arms I can find peace and solace from the world in. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy all at once. Someone to just love me.

Some days I wake up and I feel so strong I could take on the whole damn world…many days actually. And then there are days like these. I do not know where they come from or what starts them. But it is like a dark oily tar bubble that just finds its way up to the surface and POP. Out it comes…

Many days I feel so strong but then when one of those little oily bubbles makes their way to the surface. Pop. Everything seems darker. I feel darker and my thoughts seem to take me down with them.

I am so often optimistic about the future and do not have a damn clue why. But I just believe it. Believe it to my core. Believe I will be ok. Believe I will get through all of this and that something…somehow is waiting for me on the other side of all this shit.

And then there are these days. The days where the future is so damn scary and my heart is filled with loneliness and this insurmountable fragility. My insecurities kick in and I wonder if there is hope out there for me. For my future. Will I ever find love again someday? Will I find peace in someone’s arms again? Will someone fall in love with all my crazy quirkiness and all my ‘widow’ baggage. And love both Alec and I as a family. God, I just don’t know…and that terrifies me. And it makes this road I travel on very quiet, very long and very dark.

6 Comments:

At March 23, 2009 9:53 AM, Blogger Star said...

Me too! Me too! Me too!

 
At March 24, 2009 5:06 AM, Blogger Jess said...

Skye,

As you know, I became a single parent because my husband left me - not because I was widowed. Still, I totally understand when you describe feeling strong and capable one minute, then scared and afraid the next. For me, it took about a year to feel more confident than frightened.

I hated being alone. Despite him leaving me, I was a good wife. I loved him. I loved being married. I felt broken and confused. What did I do to deserve this?

Also, I couldn't understand how someone new could love me when I felt so broken. I couldn't imagine someone loving my three, rambunctious kids as much as a birth father could (or should). I was afraid to look into the future because it wasn't the future I'd spent my life planning. It was ugly and dark. And it was lonely.

But, like you, I just kept moving forward. I kept living in the moment, focusing on being the best mom, the best person I could be. Eventually I began to look ahead and try to shape a new future in my head. I sat down and wrote out goals for me and the kids. 6 mos. 1 year. 3 years. 5. How old would they be and what would our situation be like? What did I want for them? For me?

It was so therapeutic. Instead of mourning my stolen future, I began to get excited about my new one. Like it or not, I was given a blank slate. A gift. What would I do with it?

Shortly after I got over my hurdle of fearing the future, I met Mark. He proved to me that it is possible to love someone who's not perfect. He's shown me that a real man can embrace another man's children as his own - without hesitation. And for me, he was like someone took out my tired, old battery and replaced it with bright, shiny new Energizers. Being around him gave me a charge. A blast of energy that I didn't know I was lacking.

You are an amazing person. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. When you're ready, start making goals for you and Alec. Eventually you'll feel more whole. And, I'm confident that no matter what your future holds, it'll be full of love.

 
At March 25, 2009 12:01 PM, Anonymous Roads said...

Hang in there, Skye. Sometimes it's all that you can do.

 
At March 25, 2009 12:07 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Star,
Thanks for the smiles…

Jess,
I think of you often and that the crazy turn your own life took a few years ago. None of us really know what’s around the bend…but I find great comfort in knowing that there are others out there continuing forward no matter what obstacles or crap end up blocking our way.

Your writings, your honesty and your unwavering spirit give me strength, because I know you have mired your way though and have come out on the other side. Still standing. Still smiling. I think of you and Mark and the wondrous future that awaits you and the kids and I smile. Because you are doing well and you are my poster child for hope!

 
At March 25, 2009 12:13 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Thanks Roads.
So true, some days that's all we can do.

 
At March 27, 2009 11:35 AM, Blogger Supa Dupa Fresh said...

God, what a cocktail. I was just like that most of the first year. It will get better for you too... and yes, love will find you again (or vice versa).

X

Supa

 

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