Sunday, February 01, 2009

This is my reality...

Ever since David died I have worn his wedding band alongside mine...It seemed only appropriate. David was not a big man in stature. He had a small frame and amazingly enough we had the same size hands.

We ended up going with identical bands. I was never one for big diamonds. What would I have done with a big rock on my finger? It would have gotten caught on everything and probably would not have been treated with the delicacy it deserved…seeing as I tend to do so much with my hands. I am always sticking my hands in something. Artwork. Home Renovation. Gardening. A big ring was just not me. And for David…most “male” bands tended to dwarf his fingers and they always looked absurdly large and cumbersome. So we ended up with these bands. And after he died, I put it on. As I had done so many times before. Every time he had been hospitalized and unable to wear it, I would slip it on and keep it close to me until his safe return home. But this time, he would not be returning home. It seemed fitting. Resting side by side on my finger, as we should have been.

But now as I continue to loose weight, they no longer fit. I have tried various contraptions to keep them on, but they are just getting too large for my fingers. Or my fingers are too small? And now every time I wash my hands, they fly off. It is time. I feel it. Before they get lost…which would break my heart. It is time to move them. They now reside on my right hand.

My left hand feels awkward and exposed. I have had a ring on that finger for 14 years. It seems wrong…my finger so bare. But all of this is so wrong! It is so hard to explain, but it feels like I went outside in the dead of winter. And as I stepped onto the snow, I slipped my jacket off. But I am wearing nothing underneath, and now I am standing naked in the snow. Cold and vulnerable.

Those rings. They were symbols of our love. Symbolic of our marriage. Symbolic of so much. But I am no longer married. I am no longer someone’s wife. And I am no longer someone lover.

How is that possible? It never occurred to me that there would be any other life for me. David was always what I thought my future would be. I was happy. We had a great love. We would grow old together. Travel. Have a lifetime of adventures. We always knew we were fortunate to have found each other so young, but we never knew there was a time limit. We thought we had a lifetime. Unfortunately his lifetime was so much shorter than either of us ever anticipated. What the hell happened?

I hate this. I loved being married. I loved being David’s wife. And I loved being his lover. And now I am so damn lost and alone. Looking into a future full of uncertainty. And now my hand reflects this, for the world to see. But this is the reality of it. This hellish nightmare that just keeps going on. So unreal. And yet this is it. This is my reality...

9 Comments:

At February 02, 2009 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye,

You'll always be Dave's wife no matter where your life will find you 20 years from now. Just like how you'll always be Alec's mother when he is off away at college with a girl planning a life of his own. It doesn't matter if the one who has your heart is near you or far away, they always have your heart so you are still entitled the title of being Dave's wife. If the rings continue to get too big, wear them on a chain around your neck and they will lay closer to your heart where Dave lives with you.

I'm always here for you no matter how busy I may seem, and the invitation is always open for a getaway... I always need homework breaks to keep my sanity.

Amy

 
At February 02, 2009 9:54 AM, Blogger Star said...

Once Roger and I arrived at the hospital after the accident, I just wanted his ring. I wanted to make sure it did not get lost and I wanted to have it with me. Roger was also a smaller guy and his ring fit my thumbs perfectly. I remember having it on my finger and holding his hands.

And then I started to lose weight. And I also almost lost it. I was taking out some trash and it slid off and hit the floor.
Great... So I now have it sitting on his nightstand and I look at it each morning. I am still unsure what to do with it in the future. I do not want to wear it around my neck. And its titanium so its not easily converted.

I had my wedding ring & engagement ring combined in a new setting which I wear on my right hand daily.

I think this is one of the worst parts of being a widow. The rings are so special yet now...

Thinking of you, Star

 
At February 02, 2009 12:43 PM, Blogger Satine said...

I can relate to having a bare left hand after having worn a wedding ring... but for me it was after 3 years and not 14... evenso, I also felt naked and exposed and wrong having nothing on that hand--and yet I didn't allow a new ring of my own to replace it--because why? It would have no meaning in comparison to me.

I remember the following year on my "anniversary" I wore the ring again... and it messed with my head, but my hand felt whole again... for that day. Then I removed it again late that night never to wear it again, although I know where I keep it. I've been told I could make it into other things instead of keep it the ring it is... but something inside me won't let me. There's a big difference between losing your husband to death and losing your husband to divorce, and yet there's also the very same feeling of a part that is lost--a part that was supposed to be forever. What you have though that I don't, is the oneness of knowing you both loved each other equally and as intensly even once separated.

I empathize with you. And in your case I feel that you have every right to carry what you want with you as a sign/memory/marker of who you still are.

 
At February 02, 2009 8:12 PM, Anonymous Kerri said...

Skye,

No words of wisdom to share, as I can't begin to comprehend the depth of your heartache and loneliness. My heart hurts for you. Sending you hugs, hugs and more hugs. And you can collect on those anytime -- day or night :-)

 
At February 04, 2009 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye

I followed you here from Our Cancer....

I too have no real words of wisdom and can't begin to relate... I have been blessed to have been married 34+ years now with no end in sight.. I can only imagine the pain you must feel

The truth is Dave is still with you and always will be no matter what! No one can take that part of your life away.. you will always love him and he you!

What the world sees matters not... it is what is in your heart that counts

I wish you peace and strength to move to the next phase in your life.

All my best

Ron

 
At February 06, 2009 4:03 AM, Anonymous Roads said...

Skye
Why not keep David's ring for Alec?

Jenny's wore my great-grandmother's wedding ring, and together with all Jenny's other jewellery, it now lies safely hidden away for Emily to wear one day.

Sadly Jenny will never see her daughter married, but it's inspiring to think that her daughter might one day be joyfully married with her wedding ring, or that her son might one day be very happy to give his girl the engagement ring we chose.

I understand your pain, and I think it's brave of you to share it. Amidst such suffering I'd be the first to say that of course these suggestions aren't solutions. They're feeble sticking plasters, really. But perhaps they offer some thin shred of hope. And over time, even such flimsy building materials can start to rebuild a life.

Best wishes from snowy London. And spirits up, as best you can.

 
At February 06, 2009 1:40 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Thank you everyone for checking in and for your kind words…

 
At February 06, 2009 1:43 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Kerri,
Thank you my dear. No words of wisdom needed, your friendship speaks volumes everyday..

 
At February 06, 2009 1:46 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Roads,
It is a wonderful idea and one that I had recently begun entertaining…

I had bought David an antique gold band that he used to wear on his right hand and I currently wear that one as well. Alec asked me about the ring the other day and I asked him if he would like daddies ring when he grew up? Alec was absolutely entranced. He loves to touch it now and it has become a great way to introduce conversations of David in a good way. To talk about ‘silly’ daddy or fun things he used to do. So not all talk of Daddy is Cancer and death.

He has a few of David’s things already in his room that he has tucked into his nightstand. He tends to not want to discuss them much, but then when new people come over he invariably gives them the tour. He won’t let anyone play with them or move them from the room, showing that although it may be too difficult for him to talk about right now...those possession mean the world to him. I have also begun a box of things that David told me specifically he wanted Alec to have. I am sure someday Emily will treasure her mother’s jewelry and the history that goes along with them.

Thank you for saying I am brave…it is good to hear although I don’t always believe it and I definitely do not feel like it. But thank you non-the-less. And yes, there are no solutions in this…but there is always hope.

 

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