At a loss for words...
I have been strangely silent the last couple days. Anyone who knows me…know this is a complete anomaly. I tend to talk, and talk, and talk. Damn I can be chatty some days! Most days to be honest. But I have to admit…this last week was difficult. It was a very dark time for me filled with loss, regret, and sadness. And honestly, I planned to blog Christmas Eve, but I could not. Then I planned to Christmas day and still I was unable to find the words. I just sat at my computer, wondering what the hell to say? And nothing came. So, I knew it must not be time yet. Sometimes I know instantly what my post will be about, and sometimes it rolls around in my brain for days. But many days it just comes to me. And more often than not, it takes a decidedly different turn than I originally intended when I began writing the post.
Blogging is extremely cathartic to me. I sit down and the words just flow out of me. A friend once said it is as if I open a vein and just bleed onto the paper. You guys get to see it all. I tend not to edit anything involving my emotions. You get to see me in all my Technicolor beauty. Flaws, angst and all. But it’s honest. It’s raw. It’s me. And since no words came to me…I felt that I was not ready to let them go. Because after I blog, more often than not, I feel a huge sense of relief. Not to say that sometimes as I write I do not cry. I Cry. Damn do I cry. And sometimes I have to stop mid-thought and have a good long sob. But the act of writing. Of bleeding onto the paper (or keyboard) releases my pain…my fears. It releases some of the crap swirling around in my heart. Blackening my soul. And by this act of releasing, somehow it makes room for hope and joy in my life.
But even now I can not seem to find the words for Christmas. It is what it was. Some happy moments. Some sad. Some heartbreakingly lonely. All I can say is that I survived it...
Alec had a wondrous day filled with lights, play and gift opening. I could not have asked for more. He loved the tree, the lights, the ornaments. Santa came and delivered toys. Alec was deliriously happy. He was able to open a few gifts that David had bought him before he died...albeit they made Alec "a little sad because he missed daddy." And it was a bit confusing that daddy bought gifts but was not here to give them to him. But later he told someone as he showed them a book David had given him...that this was daddies gift to him, and that he had bought it before he died. So, somewhere in there he gets it. If at least only partially...
So. Another holiday down and only one more to go before we can put this year to bed. I am ready. I am so unbelievably ready. Not that I think that all will be well in 2009, not by a longshot. It will be different. No more doctor appointments. No more watching the slow progression of the tumor. No more cancer. We will just continue to survive the aftermath of Cancer's destructive wake. And somehow we will continue to move forward...
Ramblings by Skye @ 1:50 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I feel along with you--wondering if it's 'cause you're sick of what was sickness, tired of being tired, sad from being sad... that Christmas was another bunch of intense emotions where you'd think of Dave and right now maybe, and although you don't want to diminish the feelings you're probably exhausted from them too. From reading the feelings I had come to me were the memories of when my exHB surprised me at Christmas by "showing up" for 1 week after being gone for nearly a year, and then disappearing again. The feelings I had, were--exhaustion I think, to summarize. I mean, I saw him, for 1 week, and then he was gone again. In a way Christmas does that too--brings people back, but then when it's over, it can sometimes leave you with a numb feeling. I think you're brave. And I might not be wording what you're actually feeling, but it's what I felt by reading your post and wondered if you were... because if you are, I know that empty, strange feeling of being both exhausted, sad, and tired of being tired, and ready for some kind of prolonged moment of happiness or Spring--even if not happy every day, at least happier more often overall. It _will_ be a new year, and a new leaf... a new chapter. And with that knowledge, even though you carry the love, emotions and past on your shoulders, you do have a new canvas now. Hugs and hope, Jenni
Well said Jenn,
It is a crazy, strange empty feeling filled with exhaustion and sadness that I carry with me daily. I want, actually no...I need "some kind of prolonged moment of happiness--even if not happy every day, at least happier more often overall."
And what you said about me carrying the past on my shoulders...a stunning visual and so very true.
And the beautiful image of a new canvas gives me hope. Hope for a future. Thank you...
I love this post, Skye. I completely understand what you're saying. Well said!
I completely understand you with typing a blog gives you some release from the pain you are going thru. After my mom passed, my thoughts were all over the placet, I would blog, but to me it didn't seem like I was making sense to myself much less to anyone else.
Now to see myself at the point I am today and look back. The grieving process is certainly tricky. I "thought" I was doing ok. But I do finally feel free of my grief. I can't say when, but there will come a point in time where you'll realize, you're one step ahead than you were 4-6 months ago. (That's a rough estimate.)
Don't get me wrong. I still get my knock down days and this was my first holiday without my Mom. Thanksgiving we went to a friend's house, being as I was having a tough week.
But Christmas, we stayed home. It was hard. Not running upstairs to ask my Mom if she has butter, or an egg. Or just to let her know we're up and ready to open presents with her.
It just did not feel like Christmas. And after I cooked our meal, I sat down and realized how exhausted I was and after I was done eating, went right to bed and stayed there on and off for two days. (But I think it was in combination with stress of getting ready for the holiday and missing my Mom and getting over strep, the lethal three knocked me flat on my feet.)
Anyway, I don't always mean to come on here and talk about me. But I say this, so you know you are not alone.
I was the exact opposite when it came to the new year. I was not ready to move on, being as it felt like that time and moving into a new year will erase the realness of my Mom and push me further away from her.
A friend of mine said that when she passed. I would feel this sense of relief from being split between caring for her and caring for my husband. I didn't, not one bit. I missed it, I really can't explain why. But I did, I was lost for so long there as what do I do now and being spread thin for so long. That was basically the only life I knew and meaning not taking care of her, just pushed me that much to the reality of her being gone.
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