Catalyst for Change…

I know I may only be trying to justify David’s death…and maybe I want it to mean something more than my husband had a brain tumor and died. But I also believe that David fought so damn hard to live, it would be a disservice to him to curl up in a ball and give up. David fought to live, he fought for us. But it was even more than that.

David changed so many people. And I for one believe that us just being here, our mere existence, our interactions with people…we all have the capacity to change the world. And many of us do it without even knowing it. And I believe that David did change the world. And I also believe our love did as well. It’s like dropping a pebble in a pond. The ripples will go on forever...

David donated his body to the Neurology department in hopes that someday another family would not have to go through what we did. And who knows, that selfless act may be instrumental in finding a way to better treat or even cure Cancer. We will never know. But I do know that all the things we do in this world have the ability to mold and shape the future and the people surrounding us.

And I hope to be part of that someday. David’s death has brought more focus into my life. I feel like it was a catalyst that has propelled me forward…into a new arena I never expected to be in. I had always wanted to do something. Make my mark on the work persea…but I never had a philanthropy. I have since learned, you do not choose your cause. Your cause chooses you.

So, someday I hope to be the change I want to see in the world. Through experience, unfortunately I have come to learn that the system is not prepared for situations like ours. The system does not account for young caregivers. They do not expect you to develop a serious illness, disability or even worse…a terminal illness. And thus, there is not much support out there when you are going through it…especially during the time where the support is so imperative for survival. I will not go into one of my long diatribes here. Many of you who know me, know where I stand on this. But I do hope that someday I will be able to create or do something that will help other young caregivers out there. I believe that opening up a dialog on these issues is important. I also wonder what else I may do for caregivers or widow/ers in the future. This is no where near what I ever expected, but I am forever changed by this experience and I want to help others someday as well. Help them through the darkness. Let them know that they are not alone. Help them to navigate the mountains of paperwork. Direct them to where to find the support that is hidden amongst all the crap. And make them realize that there is always hope, although even now I do not always feel it. It is a dream. And something I will not be able to do any time in the near future. I am grieving and would not be much good to someone else going through what I just recently survived. But someday...maybe.

This all sounds fabulously optimistic during the light of day, but to be honest...in the dark I am a lonely, scared widow who is just trying to make it through another night.

But even in my darker hours, I know I can be whatever I want and become whatever I need. I just need to believe.
David taught me that…
David believed in me.