Monday, November 03, 2008

There is no normal...

I have been told that hopefully someday soon I can get back to my “Normal Life.” But really, life isn’t normal. There is no set standard for normalization people. Life just is…simply put. It is constantly changing and evolving. But if you consider my normal life to be the life I had before. Before Cancer. Before David’s death. Well, I can never get back to that place, no matter how desperately I would love to. I would give anything to have my beautiful soul mate back in my arms again, but that is just not in the cards for us this lifetime.

So. Here we are. There is nothing to get back to. That path ended. David is gone and he is never coming back. And so with him, our life, our future together is gone. All the dreams we once had and the life we planned to live will never come to fruition.

Someday I will learn to live a new life. A different life than I ever envisioned and it sucks. I will move forward. For David. And for myself. But I will never get over this in the sense that people think. A part of my soul died the day David did, and that part will never come back. That hole in my heart can never be filled. I will learn to adjust to that hole and someday the pain may not be as raw. But it will always be there and my heart will just have to learn to work around it. And someday hopefully I will adapt to my new life...and open myself to a new future and the many new uncharted paths that lay before me. And maybe then I will be able to move beyond the pain and loss and learn to live without David. Definitely not today...and probably not in the near future. But someday.

The future is a frightening and lonely notion right now. And the thought of a lifetime without David brings me to my knees. But there is a future…however dim it may seem to be right now. Because the damnable thing about life is that it moves on. So, I will keep stumbling forward. Reaching towards an uncertain future. But knowing…believing something has to be awaiting me. I am here for a reason. Damned if I could say what sometmes, but I am here. I am Alec's mom and I am that little guy’s world. And unfortunately, life dealt him a shitty hand too. So we will stumble along together. And new doors will open. I may not see any doors right now. But I know they are out there…just waiting to be unlocked.

I am reminded of a Van Halen song, where they said something like ”Standing on broken dreams...never losing sight.” So, I will pick myself up and someday stand on all of our old dreams together and dare to imagine a new future. We all have broken dreams. Some dreams never come to pass…and that’s just life. But I believe that strength comes from being able to climb up and stand upon all of those lost dreams and begin anew.

New dreams will be born. New paths...
Will the thought of my lost future with David still linger. Most definitely. But David will be with me always. He is a part of me now and I will carry him with me for my remaining years. But someday I will take all the strength and love we had. And dare to continue to dream again…


At November 03, 2008 10:22 PM, Blogger Satine said...

Sometimes it's hard to find the words when you want to write in response... and I want to... but all I can do is have faith that although the following lyrics are sad, and maybe my comment isn't as strengthening as former comments of mine were, they are beautiful... and in case you didn't know these lyrics before, I thought I ought to write a verse or two of them for you--cause they're from one of my favorite songs:

....There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I-will be watching over you
I-I'm gonna help you see it though
I-will protect you in the night
I-I'm smiling next to you in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you build within come tumbling down
And a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of Illusion can you realize
Your dream's alive you can be the guide but
(I) will be watching over you
(I) I'm gonna help you see it though
(I) will protect you in the night
(I) I'm smiling next to you ....

*hugs* --Me

At November 04, 2008 8:24 AM, Blogger momazilla said...

We will never be 100% complete. What we have went through was/is life altering.

Like you, I think of what my life was like before my Mom got sick and I just wish, somehow I could go back to that time when everything was ok.

After her passing, more memories pile in of growing up with her and some can be so strong, that it almost feels I have transported back into time for a brief moment, but when it's over, it almost feels tangible that time travel is real and that is "maybe, just maybe" if I wish hard enough, concentrate long enough, that I can go back to that moment in time and stay there.

I know this is hard to swallow, but in time, at some point, you will look back and realize how far you've come. But no, we will never be 100% ourselves, and I really miss that, but am learning to live being 90%.

At November 10, 2008 5:36 AM, Anonymous Roads said...

I read this, and every word you say is true. And I know just how hard it is to say it.

It's brutal -- there's no two ways about it. Facing up to it is hard, and appalling, and it takes a long time to assimilate.

In many ways, I think that saying it is much easier than living it. That's the part which most people simply don't understand.

Like all things, it takes much more time to start rebuilding a life than it does to pull it down. And the chances are it'll look very different as you begin to put the pieces back together from the rubble that stands around you. That's because some of the key components are missing now.

But where there's a will, there's a way. So just keep at it, stone by stone, and you might not get there overnight, but in time you'll be amazed how much you can achieve.

Kind regards from London. And spirits up.


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