Friday, September 05, 2008

The nights…

We slept like we lived. Completely intertwined. So the nights…they’re difficult. Our bed is so big now. Like this huge empty expanse.

Going to sleep without your lover beside you is just wrong. It’s just not how it is supposed to be. And I find that sleep only finds me when I hit total exhaustion. So I wait and often don’t lie down until it is really late. When exhaustion can overtake me and the empty space beside me doesn’t hurt quite as much.

I miss a lot of things lately. But at night…I miss the incredible warmth and love of having him close. Having David beside me just felt right. We wrapped ourselves up like pretzels and despite my 10 minutes of getting comfy every damn night…and David razzing me for said 10 minutes. Once we found our niche. It was perfect. And I felt a peace and contentment like no other. It was like I was “home.”

So here I am again. It’s midnight and I’m here. Awake. Wishing with all of my being that David was here beside me now. And knowing he isn’t. And just trying to imagine how I will get through the night without him once again.

I miss him so.


At September 06, 2008 12:50 PM, Blogger Satine said...

When I read your excerpts I greatly empathize and feel concern for you. Although when I went through my divorce a few years ago, the nights were the worst for me too, I know it's no the same. Yet, even though it wasn't death that separated us, it was the fact that we were supposed to be together and weren't any longer--accepting sometimes is still the hardest part for me in life. So, suddenly there was this void larger than life and I also was a clinical insomniac from the time he left for Afghanistan until the end of our marriage--had to take prescribed pills for sleeping for over 3 years. And I hated to go to bed in the 1st place too because something would just make me want to stay up. In that way I can relate, but I know I can't know what it's like to loose that person to cancer or to lie awake thinking the same things you think--and I feel for you and wish I could hug your pain away somehow. Love, and may you find peace again soon.

At September 08, 2008 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this sounds stupid but it will help...Get a body pillow. Curl up with it likes it's David and know that he does lie with you every night you just have to believe and you will feel him. He is there.


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