Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Brave Warrior is at Peace…

David passed Monday night at 8:53 pm. And I feel like I died the moment he did. He went very fast and skipped most of the “crap.” They said he couldn’t skip the crap…it was inevitable with a brain tumor…but he said he would. And you know David. When he spoke in that one tone of conviction and he said he was going to do it. He did it. So, he said when it was time he would go fast and easy as possible. And he was true to his word. He skipped the seizures, the delusions, and the coma. He skipped much of the nastiness. He was David to the very end…which in itself is unheard of. But David always did like the break the rules. He was up and moving about Saturday morning and by Saturday evening he was bedridden in a hospital bed. By Sunday he wasn’t very communicative. He no longer opened his eye, spoke or moved much. Periodically you could get a nod of understanding from him when you asked him if he was cold or needed pain medication. And he would hold my hand and periodically stroke it. But that was all.

That night I knew he was getting close. I crawled in beside him on his hospital bed. Like we had done so many times before. But this time it was different. Because when he was in the hospital…he was just recovering. Just tired. But he would hold me and stroke my hair. That night I was the one who held him. Stroked his chest and soothed him. At first I was unsure if he even knew I was there…but then he tried to roll over and hold me like he always had. And he would try to reach out for me, although his arm wouldn’t cooperate. And I knew he could feel me beside him and he seemed at peace. He always said he was a peace if I was near him…and it was all I could do at that point. So I lay next to him all night. Held his hand and gave him peace.

By Monday morning he no longer was able to nod or move. He was unresponsive to my touch and was unable to even squeeze my hand. I know that even then he still knew I was there and it soothed him. You could tell by his breathing and at one point as I was talking to him…he even gave me one last smirk. I talked to him a lot that day.

At the end he took his last breath as I sat beside him…holding his hand and stroking his arm. He waited for me to get back into the room and then he went after one last big breath. He went peacefully and I knew the moment he was gone. My Brave Warrior is at peace now. His is no longer in pain and he will no longer be encumbering by a failing body.

Me? I’m no so well. I am not at peace. I feel like a part of me died when David did and that I will never feel peace or joy again. My body is hollow and I’m just going through the motions at the moment. Unable to feel like I will survive this…even for another moment.

The pain is unbearable and sometimes I feel as if the pain will drive me to insanity. And yet I’m still here. My beautiful warrior has been gone for almost three days and I’m still here. I don’t always want to be. But I am.

11 Comments:

At August 21, 2008 8:43 PM, Anonymous Al said...

Skye:

May the Lord shine upon you with His mercy and His grace, and take your grief and suffering away.

My unsolicited advice is simply get through today. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Eventually the heartbreak and sorry will pass.

Footprints....remember the footprints....

May God watch over you and Alec. I shall pray for your health and wellbeing, knowing that David is safely in paradise.

 
At August 21, 2008 10:33 PM, Anonymous Terry and Terri said...

Dear Syke:
We share in your sorrow. David was an exceptional man and we feel honored to have been part of his life. David taught us how to enjoy life and appreciate every day.

Skye, you have taught us all how to really love someone. We will always remember the love and compassion you shared with David. You are an inspiration to everyone in your world.

You, my dear, are also a mighty warrior. We pray that the beautiful memories you made with David will carry you through this most difficult time.

We love you.

 
At August 22, 2008 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In times like these so often so many don't know what to say to those grieving. However, as I've been there even simple words like 'I'm sorry you are going through this' or 'I'm thinking of you' make the world of difference.

I can say that you have been in my thoughts almost daily since learning about David. Recently, I prayed for God to be kind to him in his last days and more so watching over you Skye, as a wife and mom to a beautiful, growing little boy who so desperately needs you now and forever.

Skye, you may not feel like it but you are truly an inspiration to so many that know you and read your blog. You have remained steadfast as a caregiver for David and a wonderful mom to Alec. Even when posting yesterday I could feel how hard it is for you to lose your soulmate but what I also felt was the immense strength you have to tell us about it. You are also an inspiration in the way of your relationship with David...you show others how to truly love and be commited along with being a warrior in good times and bad.

As hard as it is may you find the strength for yourself and for Alec. I hope someday when he is older he looks back at you and tells you how wonderful of a mom you were during this time and after. Please also know you are not alone and will not be through the journey ahead.

I am confident David is now an angel looking over you and Alec - smiling and keeping watch always.

 
At August 22, 2008 11:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye:
Thank you so much for keeping those of that loved David and worried about him in the know. I am very sorry for your lose and ours.
I know it is very hard and you feel lost, however at those moments grab Alec and give him a hug. You'll feel David he left his heart there with Alec.
Take care

 
At August 22, 2008 3:44 PM, Blogger Yunomi said...

I'm sorry for your loss ... and ours. Dirk will be missed. It may not be true, but it always seems to be the good ones, doesn't it?

 
At August 23, 2008 12:12 PM, Anonymous Jess said...

From brave warrior to guardian angel... take care. We love you.

 
At August 23, 2008 2:47 PM, Blogger dorszysu said...

Skye,
I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear David has lost his battle.
David was an exceptionally nice guy, he was well liked by everyone.

I lost my mother yesterday after a long battle with illness and I am thankful it is over.
I believe they are at peace right now and are both getting their angel wings.
I think you are also a warrier, I want to thank you for keeping us updated on Davids journey, it always brought me to tears and sometimes I would have to stop reading it for a minute just to regroup.
I wish all the best for you and Alex and I hope in time all you will remember are the good times.
God Bless you and your families.
Sue

 
At August 23, 2008 3:21 PM, Anonymous Kelly said...

Oh, Skye. I am so sorry. Please know how many thoughts and prayers are with you and Alec right now. David made a profound impact on so many of us in how he lived his life and how he fought this battle, and I for one am a better person for having known him.

Peace to you.

 
At August 25, 2008 8:37 AM, Anonymous Daniela said...

The only importance in life are the footprints of love, we leave before we go....
And the more beautiful and sweeter the memories we have, the more hurt we feel when left alone. But our grace will turn our memories into joy, a precious gift we carry in us.

We love you

 
At August 25, 2008 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye,
I won't tell you things will be ok...they won't.
I won't tell you things will get better...they don't.
We all just press on and build walls around the pain to protect ourselves but it is still there.
But you have Alec. He will bring you joy and peace and love. He needs you now more than ever. He needs you to tell him who his father was. Through the two of you is how David will live on the most.
And through all of us living and loving life is how we can honor David the most.

 
At August 25, 2008 9:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye,
I want to thank you for your courage in posting about David's last days with you. I have read it over and over since you posted last week and each time I have sat in awe at the amazing bond the two of you shared. Yours was the kind of love that inspired those around you to love unconditionally, selflessly and with great abandon.

Throughout life we meet many people but only a few of us are a lucky to meet that one person that is unlike any other. The one you can talk to for hours and never get bored. You can tell them things and they will never judge you. From the moment I met David and he talked about you, I knew that what you shared was special. He would speak about your life together and there would always be that twinkle in his eye.

I know he is watching over you and although you are no longer together in body, you souls will forever be connected and one day you will meet again. For now, look at Alec and see that David is in him. Wrap him in your arms and feel the love that created your beautiful little boy. Only the love you shared with David could make such an amazing little person.

I know that your pain will never go away but I pray that each day it gets easier for you.

 

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