Friday, October 03, 2008

The Message

Late last night I was sitting on the couch, trying to read but finding myself unable to focus. I decided to turn on the TV and see if I could find something mindless to watch. Within a few clicks I found myself on the history channel and “Tombstone” was playing. My initial response was to click away from it as fast as possible. David loved that movie. I can’t tell you how many times we watched it. Before Cancer (BC) and after his diagnosis. Whenever David was hospitalized and I would pack up the portable DVD player…that was always the first movie he requested. In the end I used to just keep it in a bag with the DVD player.

But for some reason, last night I decided not to click away. I watched the final scene of the movie where Doc Holliday was dying. I kept thinking to myself, why in the hell are you watching this? And yet…I stayed. And as the scene played out, I saw it like I never had before. Firstly, as Doc was dying I kept thinking to myself…it’s not like that at all. As someone dies, it’s just not like that. Or maybe it is like that for some, but just not David. David went very peacefully…but it was still different. The body movements…the breathing. All of it. And yet, compared to the way many movies do it…it was much closer than some. But still…the final moments were wrong. But they always are, aren’t they?

But I digress. What really captured me was what they spoke about before he died. They were talking about life and here’s what they said:

Doc: "What do you want?"
Wyatt: "Just to live a normal life."
Doc: "There is no normal life Wyatt. There’s just life."
Doc (again): "Now get on with it."
Wyatt: "I don’t know how."
Doc: "Sure you do…Live every second. Live Wyatt. Live for me."

It doesn’t sound as poetic as it did as I watched the scene. But what resonated with me is that it sounded so much like David. How he used to speak and what he wanted for me...and I know that if David were here right now he would be saying the very same thing as he had said so many times before. And the message is that there really is nothing normal about life. There is no normalcy to get back to. Life just is.

I get the message my love and I know that you want me to live. I will try. Try to live for for you. Hopefully someday I will be able to enjoy life once again...enjoying it for the both of us. Doing the things that we never got a chance to do together. Someday I will my love. Just not today.


At October 03, 2008 11:44 PM, Blogger Satine said...

I'm so glad to hear how you were touched in a new way, and by a movie that Dave watched over and over.

Although John is always working on pieces of his illustration for his agent, I am always asking him when he will be able to start the one of Dave...

Today I read your post of how you felt touched by Dave. And today John began a slow, new project: the art of Dave. I think it'll be a slow project because it's something he's doing on the side, but in a way, I'm excited to watch him create this piece as a slow process--because just as we live day-by-day, and work day-by-day, we can look forward to something day-to-day. And you can't look forward to something that's already here in the-now. Then you can just cherish the moment. In a way, the anticipation keeps Dave's memory more powerful. And when the piece is finished, it'll just be one more piece that makes his memory immortal.


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