Sunday, September 28, 2008


I have been told by some that I am lucky...That I am young and will be fine. I’m always bewildered by this statement. As if somehow, being young makes you more resilient to the pain of loss. They say I have my whole life ahead of me and I’ll be ok. But these words offer little comfort. For now, the long life ahead of me doesn’t hold the warmth it once did. My hopes and dreams for the future are gone. Growing old with my husband, sipping tea on the porch. Those are now wistful and unrealized dreams. I am now faced with an uncertain future and the length seems a mockery. For me, a long life gives no comfort because it seems like a sentence. Too many years filled with loneliness and sadness. Missing my love. This may not be the case forever, but for now that is how it feels. I may be young…but right now my soul feels old. So old and tired.

I’m tired. Tired of being strong. I feel like a lone warrior standing on the battlefield. Head bowed. Seeing the loss of life. The loss of hope. In many ways it feels as if the war was lost. My beloved is gone. And many days it is hard to muster the energy to get up and fight once again. Fight to move forward. Battling against the warring emotions in my heart and mind. We fought for life, for dreams and for hope. We fought this battle so bravely together. But that is the key term. Together. Now, it is so hard to continue this battle alone. And it is a battle. Getting up. Making it through the day. Sometimes just making it through the hour. My comrade in arms is gone and now I must continue on this journey alone. Hope seems intangible.

But those people aren’t completely mistaken…I am lucky. But being young isn’t why. I am lucky to have had David in my life. I wouldn’t have traded a single moment in the past 16 have not had him in my life. Yes, there were dark times during the last 2 and half years. But there were spectacular ones too. And even the Cancer doesn't diminish all the precious moments we shared. Although he was taken way too damn young, I know we did more in our 16 years that some do in a lifetime. I know that our love was pure and strong and will continue to live on. Shining brightly among the stars. And I know that some never experience the love and passion we shared. So maybe…just maybe…that is what I am fighting for? Keeping that spark for life that David and I cherished so very much...alive in myself.

Right now I am beaten and broken. My heart is torn and I don’t know if I will ever be able to step on the battlefield again without my brave warrior beside me. So for now I will rest. And maybe someday I’ll find peace. Find the spark buried deep within me that threatens to go dim. And maybe someday I will begin to find hope and dreams again.


At September 29, 2008 9:47 AM, Blogger Satine said...

My little sister, a cancer survivor, has a favorite song. The lyrics can be powerful, so I thought I'd send them your way too:

"When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Tho' your dreams
Be tossed and blown

Walk on..
Walk on..
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone"

At September 29, 2008 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so right in that you and Dave had a brightly shinning love. You had a passionate love and friendship together that was wonderful to see. In that you were so lucky and to share that love with Alec. Its something to treasure and remember. You are very brave and will move forward because you are you and for Alec. But that doesn't ever mean without Dave watching and caring and protecting both of you.

At October 12, 2008 11:19 PM, Blogger momazilla said...

I even have a hard time swallowing that comment. "Good thing this happened when you are young." I know these people mean well, and in fact will say something just for the sake of speaking.

In reality, there is no blessing losing someone at any age.

However, I am a firm believer that our dearly departed are here with us every single day. Even though we may not see them, they are there. :)


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