Saturday, October 04, 2008

My heart...

I went out tonight. Saw Cirque du Soleil and it was wonderful and amazing. And as I watched the performance …all I could think of was how much David would have enjoyed it and how very much I wish I could have shared it with him. And as we left, everywhere we went there were reminders of him. Places we had been so many times before, restaurants we had kept wanting to try but had never gotten the chance. So many memories lost. So many moments that will never be shared. That knowledge weighs on me tonight. It is weighs on me so heavily I feel as if my heart will break…shattered from the pressure.

There are so many things we will never get a chance to do now.
So many things that we will never get to experience…

We will never go to the theatre…or dinner…or a café again.
We will never have another date night again. Ever.
I will never see that magical twinkle in his eyes when he looked at me.
We will never walk in the rain again, like we did so many times before.
I will never feel the warmth of his body beside me or feel his touch again.
I will never get to hear him say I love you again or hear his wonderful laughter.
I will never drift off to sleep, hearing the beautiful rhythm of his breathing.
I will never again feel the peace and love I felt when he walked into the room.
Alec will never get to snuggle with his daddy again on the couch.
I will never again see the love on his face when he watched Alec sleep.
We will never make art together again.
David will never grow old.
And I will never get to see those beautiful laugh lines around his eyes deepen.

All these things…and so much more we will never again have together. And it just seems too much to bear tonight. I don’t know how to survive today…yet alone a lifetime without him. David is gone. And with him I think went my heart.


At October 05, 2008 8:29 PM, Anonymous Amy said...

Instead of thinking about all of things that you 'will never' be able to do, remember all of things that you were able to do.... Think of all of times you did go to the theatre, dinner, cafe, all dates you went on, all the nights you were together, the times Alec shared he will remember forever.... Whenever you feel like thinking about the NEVERS think about all the FOREVERS.... He will FOREVER be in your heart and that is the most important thing of all! Remember that you can still call me day or night, even though yesterday was Saturday I was at home doing homework all night and could have used an interuption. I am always thinking about you, Alec, and Dave.

I found a quote you might like:

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time."

Amy K.

At October 05, 2008 10:20 PM, Blogger Satine said...

*hugs* ...I never saw "Cirque du Soleil" perform live. 'Have always wanted to. I'm sure it was an amazing performance, and I can imagine that you thought of Dave a lot.

Like watching Cirque du Soleil live someday, there are many things I want to do in my living years... This morning I woke from such a really, really good dream! I was one of 6 astronauts that were admired and recognized as the best and had some life that seemed perfection to me... --in fact, it was so wonderful, that when my eyes opened upon waking, I refused to move--I was devastated that the dream had vanished and I was waking from that perfect life! I felt down all day--because my waking life didn't feel as triumphant and wonderful as the dream. "But," I kept telling myself over and over "I'm alive! I should be able to do anything! Why didn't I study math and science harder in school to get into NASA? Why do I have to have eustachian dysfunction that keeps me from being a flight attendant? Why do I have to wear glasses that kept me from being a fighter pilot? Why can't I go against nature and science and the past and redo it somehow and make this dream a reality?!?!?" And when I realized that some of the elements in my dream could never even come true due in my lifetime due to the harsh reality that real life offers a different set of opportunities, I cried! I knew life was what you made of it, but if I wanted to be a cat, dog, or astronaut in this case, well, I just had to accept disappointment then. --and for some reason I was so down all day because of it, and outside the rain kept pouring, as if the whole sky above us was weeping with me! And then I knew: all of us feel tragedy sometimes and the heartache of our own mortality... and at some moment as I looked at myself in the mirror through my tears, & I knew that I really do need to live for today. If I don't; if I live in the future too much, or in the past, or in my dreams, I will never live the gift of today. I just have to plan on doing it.

I write this in case my day of dreams, rain, and small epiphany might be of inspiration to you in some very small way too.

At October 13, 2008 12:09 AM, Blogger momazilla said...

This is all part of the healing process. I know this is hard to realize and you almost feel like you're about to stop breathing thinking of the nevers.

While I agree with Amy, you are still thinking of what of your forever's, but you're realizing just how much you'll miss them.

I wish there was something I could do to take that emptiness away, but in time, you won't be thinking about the forever nevers and will be relishing the memories of what was once there.


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