It is different now...
Food doesn’t hold its sway on me the way it once did. Some of it is sadness, sure. And some of it is something altogether different. Are my eating changes a bad thing? Not necessarily. I eat three meals a day, for those of you that have expressed concern. But my portions are smaller, I rarely snack much, and treats are almost non-existent. This isn’t a bad thing. I am still eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains and trying to stay relatively true to all the dietary changes we made when David was diagnosed. We began living a healthier lifestyle then and I continue to do so now. I have become even more twitchier about some foods, if that is even possible.
But I know that some of you worry. The weight loss has slowed down. Honestly. Do I miss my bodacious girls I once had, most definitely, but the gerbils are happy (See The slow progression... for clarification) and now they probably not only have room to have a spot of tea…but they could have a whole damn squash game in there as well. Does it bother me? Sometimes. But my body is just a reflection of yet another change in my life. But otherwise, I am happy to have lost the weight. I had been trying to do it for years and having a husband with the metabolism of a hummingbird who could eat entire ROWS of brownies in one sitting certainly didn’t help the cause much.
So, like everything else in my life, things have changed. I look at food differently now. It does not have the affect it once did. It used to be a comfort thing. As it was for David as well. But as things progressed…it lost its luster, as many things did. As the steroids increased, so did David’s appetite. And if any of you have ever had a loved one on prolonged, high doses of steroids…it is ugly. They are a necessary evil…I know that. And I know they kept the swelling down in David’s brain or the pain would have been unbearable for him and there could have been severe cognitive changes or even sudden death. But man they were some nasty shit. David’s already voracious appetite was insatiable. And he hated it, god how he hated it. He knew that his body was full and yet he would continue to eat and eat...he couldn’t stop himself. He would try and he just couldn't and it disgusted him. It was so difficult to watch. And now, those moments and many others have forever shaped me...for better or worse. They changed how I see food myself and maybe that is ok.
Ramblings by Skye @ 5:00 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I'm happy to hear there is something positive going on in your life right now--healthy eating habits, which you acquired while David was getting tips from his doctors... habits I also acquired after my sister, Steph, was diangosed with cancer. John and I became co-ops of the local Outpost (organic) food chain here immediately and buy 95% of our food organic, knowing full-well that if we went out to eat we would very seldom get the same benefit... and it shows statistically that even changing partially your diet to organic can help sustain a life.
On the other hand, I have not lost weight unless I've incorporated heavy exercise into my routine as well, which for me lasts on average 3-4 months, where I drop on average 15 lbs., and then I'm off of it for another 3-4 months, and then back on it for 3-4 months... this is an ongoing struggle for me. I know this means I haven't completed a life-make-over... and since I don't believe in diets, but I do believe in healthy living, I am still working at it. When I was in my early & mid-20's I was a stick and didn't even know it--I swear, I always was heavier than the other girls who taught dance with me, but when I look at those pictures I am amazed that I could think negative body-image things then... as soon as I stopped teaching competitive dance, I gained weight... and I've been diagnosed as Hyptothyroid, which doesn't help.
So, MAJOR KUDOS to you Skye for doing a great job for your health! Not only for eating the vitamins of fruits and grains, but also for making it easier for your body to cope with other stresses by dropping whatever weight you felt you had been struggling with--the weight is what I struggle with most. I'm so proud for you, that even under so much sadness and struggle you can achieve something very positive for your well-being...
...when I moved to California, I was eating beans and potatoes while I was waiting for my 1st checks to clear, and by walking a mile to work and a mile back each day, and I dropped 25 lbs in a matter of 1-2 months! It was probably too fast for my own health actually, but I was ecstatic and since I lived completely on my own, I felt no desire to cook much or eat much like I had previously... and I know, that since I'm a Dr. Andrew Weil advocate for integrative medicine and proactive health, fluctuating my weight as I have is worse that even staying at a heavier weight... I'm 5'6... and I've fluctuated about 40 lbs between 159 - 199 twice already in the past 4 years... and before those 4 years I'd never even hit 159...
I really understand the true meaning of health for a woman, and I really admire you for your success, especially when you are going through so much else! Keep it up--you're an inspiration to me :)
Hi Skye,
Very nice post. I, sadly, have gained weight since Rob died, but I noticed that at the beginning I was eating as if to fill the hole in my being that was created when Rob died. Now, my eating habits just haven't returned to what they were before he died in large part because i don't cook the same things. Our relationship with food as westerners is complex. Good luck on your journey and for finding the positive.
WidowedOne,
Yeah, the eating habits get all messed up don’t they? I can see how you were trying to fill that hole in your being; the hole is so vast and I think we try to fill it with anything to just make it go away. I try to eat healthy, but some days no matter what I cook I am reminded of David in those final weeks and they just turn my stomach inside out.
Also, I find I never quite know what the hell to cook anymore. It is just the two of us now, unless I invite friends over, and Alec can be quite mercurial when it comes to food. Some days he’ll eat anything and try new and exciting things, other days he is your stereotypical 4-year old boy and will eat basically nothing. Most meals seem so large, when you’re just feeding one adult and a child.
Thank you for your kind words and I hope you are finding your way on your journey as well…
Skye,
I think that over time, your eating will normalize a bit. I have always been one to turn to food in times of trouble. Though chocolate has never solved my problems, it has at least made me feel better temporarily. Until the time I went through an experience so emotionally painful and difficult that I couldn't eat. I'd try, but I'd get a few bites in and feel sick. Over the course of a few months, I dropped something like 25 pounds, and got as skinny as I was as a freshman in high school. It took me a few months to feel better and be able to eat more normally again, and what I went through didn't compare to what you're dealing with right now. It will take time.
I also remember thinking that for all crap I was going through at the time, at least I was skinny. It was small consolation, but it made me feel a little better.
I have returned to a point in my life where chocolate is once again my friend. I ate one of those Warm Delights things for lunch yesterday. Healthy.
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