Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Just one of those days...

I am unsure why…but Saturday was hard. Not that everyday is not hellishly difficult, but somedays everything seems closer to the surface. As if someone has scraped a blade across my open wounds, opening up everything again. The pain at those moments is so strong as it threatens to overtake me once again. Saturday was one of those days and every second I felt on the verge of tears. And the sadness just wrapped around me like a blanket...and yet it gave no comfort or warmth. All I could feel was the weight of it, pulling me down. Dragging at me.

Everything reminded me of David. Everything seemed to accentuate the empty space in my life. The hole in my heart. And some days, especially days like Saturday, I wonder how I can move about and function when my heart is so shredded and torn. And many days I wonder how I make it through at all.

Why did everything seem so much more heightened? Is it the damnable holidays? The overcast skies? The snow everywhere…keeping everything cold and unmoving? I have not a clue. But damn I miss you my love. I look at your pictures and I can remember how you moved, your big beautiful smile, your wonderful hands, and the way you had so much life in you. I keep waiting to hear you come bounding down the stairs like you had so many times before. So exhuberant. So full of life.

And days like these. Everyday really. I am reminded by everything that surrounds me…and how very much I miss you. I begin to single out something I miss, and then really. It is everything. But basically I miss you loving me and how I could see so much love and passion in you eyes when you looked at me. I miss you my love and I do not know what I am going to do without you. I miss my best friend. My lover. And I feel like a ball of sadness and longing.

I am so damn lonely. Life was so much fun with you and I now I just haven’t a clue what to do. We shared everything and spent basically every waking moment together, except when we were at work. And now. Now, it is so damn quiet. I miss your laugh and your continuous banter. Your wise perspective on things…you were always so grounded and stoic. You rarely became ruffled and had such a wise, strong soul. The silence now is almost suffocating at times and I swear it is going to kill me.

I would give anything to just have you hold me again. To curl up in your arms and have you stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be ok again. But it won’t, will it? It will never be ok again. You are gone and I am left here to live what feels like a half-life. I know that I was so lucky to have had you in my life. We had a beautiful, extraordinary love. But damn, I wish I could have had you here so much longer. I am so lost without you my love…

8 Comments:

At December 23, 2008 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye,
I am so sorry that one of those days hit you. I want to think and say you won't have anymore of those types of days but reality tells us that you will.

The holidays, the snow, the cold - it doesn't make it any easier. It has only been a few months so be easy on yourself that these days will come and you know...as much as you and David loved each other and were a perfect match...how could these days not happen?

I think of you often and especially this time of year hope you do ok. I hope that somehow, some way you can make it through with a smile on your face (even while your heart aches) for Alec. I hope Alec can see and feel what is joyous about this time of year.

I admire you and so many of those that blog about losing their spouse. You all are so amazing, strong, honest and heartfelt about being on this journey. I think about being in your shoes and wonder if I would be able to "make it" as well as you have.

I have questioned God a lot lately - wondering why he allows things to happen, why are some of us not protected from the bad? As you can imagine, no answers have come freely to answer those questions. What I do know and what you've written about is sometimes your cause comes to you. You were so right about that when you made that statement. But, sometimes, just sometimes you break down because you never wanted the cause to begin with.

I wish you much strength this holiday season. I think of you often and just wish there was something, anything I could do to take away your pain.

Merry Christmas Skye - may you see another sign this holiday that David is right there with you, holding you up as he always had.

Love,
Sally

 
At December 23, 2008 2:43 PM, Blogger Satine said...

I just wanted to comment, that I've written 3 paragraphs and deleted them because it's hard to know what's most valuable to write... but I guess all that really matters in the end is that we who read your BLOG care about you and feel along with you as you write... and I know I don't just write for myself when I write that you've brought me closer to living and dying, and to loving and longing, with every post. Winter season in Wisconsin is hard without a great loss. With loss the cold seems even colder. That having been said, I read a book 1-2 years ago that changed my life--it was called "The Artist's Way." (http://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Spiritual-Creativity-Workbook/dp/0874776945). I highly recommend it to you along with its workbook, and although by the cover you'd think it's just about attaining a higher spiritual path of creativity, it really is so much more. I think it has potentially great influence on creative people like us who have strong hearts, wills, and desires, but who also are taken by emotion. I own them too, and I've actually executed a lot of what I learned from the workbook.

 
At December 24, 2008 1:12 AM, Blogger Jackie said...

Oh, Skye. I don't know why some days are harder than others. I don't know how we do it alone. But we do. And we will. And one day, maybe we'll understand it all. Until then, I am here listening to you.

 
At December 24, 2008 12:53 PM, Blogger Farm Girl Cat said...

Skye, I had a feeling the holidays and the winter were going to be extra hard on you, (((hugs))). I remember that winter was a hard time for David too. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you hon. Just know I love you guys and you can call any time.

Cathie

 
At December 25, 2008 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skye,
Merry Christmas. I am especially thinking of you this morning. I am listening to the Weepies "Can't go Back Now" and thinking of you as the verse is "walk on, walk on, walk on - you can't go back now." It reminds me of you forging ahead during this holiday season and every day.

I hope Alec woke to Santa bringing him good presents and many smiles. May you see the innocense in his eyes and feel good about the fine young man you are raising.

Merry Christmas Skye, please know that even though you are without David there are those sending hugs and thoughts your way this morning.

Sally

 
At December 27, 2008 5:20 PM, Anonymous Roads said...

I'm sorry that days like these happen. But they do, and it's so unfair.

Of course I'd say 'Spirits up', but the truth is that sometimes you just have to go with the flow and follow it right down to where the ripples take you.

If you're finally to fill that swimming pool of tears, sometimes you just have to add an extra gallon or two.

Best wishes from England.

 
At December 28, 2008 11:28 PM, Blogger widowedone said...

I was really struck by your comment "I would give anything just to have you hold me again." Two years out and I still feel that way at times. My arms ache. Your writing is eloquent.

 
At January 04, 2009 1:41 AM, Blogger Sara said...

It's the holidays, the cold and the newness of him being gone. It's your first holidays without him, so it's completely understandable that you are going to have these days.

I know it's hard to keep moving, but what I always try to tell myself when I can't snap out of that funk. Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow WILL be a better day, tomorrow my soul won't feel weighted with grief, tomorrow my heart won't feel like it's completely torn apart. Tomorrow.

Even thought we have lost people on two different plateus in our life, it's amazing to know the grief is still the same, it may be faster for other, while it may be longer for others. The duration doesn't really matter, it's the feelings that come with it that makes people connect, being as for the most part, the feelings are all the same.

 

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