Seriously?

Recently I had a doctor’s appointment. Nothing exciting, just your run of the mill stuff. It was shortly after I had been in for the whole lump debacle. It was a different doctor with different nurses, but within the same office.

As I walked in, I felt all those old emotions returning. Not quite as strong as before. But still there. The memories of David. The concerns. The sadness. I was feeling quiet and a bit lost. As I was taken back to the exam room, the nurse who was obviously having a bad day began a constant stream of complaints. She was whining about how awful her day was going. How no one was doing their jobs correctly. She is left to fix everything and it was just such a burden for her. Someone kept moving her clip board and other such nonsense that I can not recall anymore. But it was inconsequential. The world was not ending. She did not have cancer. She was just pissy because she was having what she considered a bad day. I would love to have had a day like that. It sounded like a delightful day compared to the hell I have been through and continue to be in. But that is irrelevant really. And who knows what other shit she may be surviving on her own path in life.

But what got me was this. We went into the office. She sat down and began checking over my chart. Confirming there had been no changes. Understandable. No biggie. As she continued to check my chart, her litany of complaints about her day and co-workers continued. Whatever…

And then she got to it. She asked me if I was still currently on birth control. I said no. Then she asked, “Well, are you sexually active?” Again I answered no. No details. Just no. You would think at this point she would have updated the god damn chart and continued on with the appointment. Because odds are, if a 35 year old woman comes into your office and she is now no longer on birth control or sexually active… odds are she is not happy about it …and odds are there is a pretty big damn reason. Maybe it is due to breakup. Divorce. Some form of abuse. Or in my case death. But there is a reason. But she was not thinking about me or why this change might have possibly occurred. She just decided to make a point and in a very accusatory tone said, “Well, your chart says here that LAST week you were still on birth control and LAST week you were still sexually active.” I said, “Well…I was not.” That should have been the end of it. But she would not let it go. She had to make a point that obviously other staff members were not doing their jobs and my chart was living proof of that. So, now she was left with the burden of it. And then she asked me again…as she said “To confirm, so that it is updated properly.” Confirm my ass. She was just trying to hammer in her point. Like I cared that someone else was not doing their job. And honestly, I know the nurse who had updated my chart the previous week and she knew my situation. She knew my pain. And she was extremely kind. She gave me hugs and cried with me. And amongst reminiscing about David, she ended up not revising my chart. Not a tragedy. But this woman knew nothing.

But even if she had not…she should have realized this was a situation I was not happy about. By my actions alone. Let alone if she stopped her diatribe to look at me. I must have looked mortified at that point. But she continued on blindly and when she asked me the second time to confirm it…that was it. My anger at her complete lack of compassion boiled over and with my last ounce of strength I sat up straight in the chair. Looked her squarely in the eyes and said, “No…I am no longer on birth control. And NO, seeing as my husband just died. I am not sexually active.”

Well, that shut her up. Finally. And a look of horror crossed her face as she tilted her head and recounted the last five minutes of our conversation. And yet, even though she seemed to have realized what an ass she had been, she did not apologize. She stood up, said gruffly the doctor would be in shortly and stomped out of the room. But I think I made my point.

My resolve shattered and by the time the doctor came in I was sobbing. But I did it, I kept my shit together long enough to make my point and make her re-evaluate her own actions. And hopefully next time she is having a bad day, she will not take it out on the patient. And maybe next time she will take a moment to step back from her own life and take into consideration the person sitting before her. Maybe not. It will be her choice…