Friday, January 16, 2009

Silence…

Last night I came down with something. Who knows if it was a 24-flu thing or what. Nothing tragic but I was sick most of the night. And I realized at some point around 2 am…how very alone I was. I am the sole parent now. There is no one to pick up the slack while I am sick. When Alec woke up, no matter how I was feeling, I was going to have to get up and take care of him. I also worried, what happens if he wakes up at some point during the night? He rarely does, but it happens periodically. And then what the hell was I going to do? I was in no state to walk upstairs let alone be able to take care of him if he needed me. Ah, welcome to single parenthood. I know this is not a singular event. Single parents go through this all the time. It was just the first time I was faced with this particular scenario on my own.

The night was a long one. I felt so fragile and alone. Curled up in a ball on the couch. Oh, and that brought back difficult memories as well. I had not slept there since back in July, when David became too weak to take the stairs and I made a cozy little space for him in our studio downstairs. Things had progressed rather suddenly and I had not gotten a second bed for downstairs yet, so I slept on the couch so I could be close to him and attend to anything he needed in the night.

So last night was difficult on many levels. And yet, I was so sick they were just transitory thoughts…flitting through my head. But I did not think about it for long. I felt too crappy and it was too much. So I just shut it off and prayed that when Alec woke up in the morning I would be through the worst of it and be able to take care of him. Alec gets very unsettled if anyone is sick that he cares about. And if you really look like shit, it scares him. The leap in his little mind from sick to having Cancer is a short one. It is understandable and he has gotten progressively less twitchy about it as the months go on, which is good.

But he slept deep and sound. Totally oblivious that I had been up all night. And I was able to get up with him and get him ready and dropped off at Grandma and Grandpa’s before I got sick again.

I thought the night was quiet. Today was worse. I did not have the static or soothing sound of Alec's breathing on the monitor to comfort me. There was just me. The silence was maddening and a brutal reminder that no one was here to take care of me. To make me a pot of tea. To wrap me in a blanket or just sit near me...

I love the person I have become. That I am more indepedant and know I can conquer anything I put my mind to. And yet days like these, when I feel sick and alone, what I would not give to have someone make me a cup of tea. Or brush the hair out of my face. Or just say they loved me…even though I looked like total shit. It is the little things. But the things I miss...

8 Comments:

At January 16, 2009 11:38 PM, Blogger Satine said...

*hugs* I'll make you a cup of tea, Skye!! I'm very aware that it wouldn't be like Dave being there, and I can't take his place even remotely or anything nor do I intend to try, but I am a friend, and Teaologist I'd be very happy to and would love to come over and make you tea whenever you want! --While you're ill or well!!! I'll send you my phone number!!! Really, I've been real sick before, and felt alone and it's the worst feeling in the world... or next to it--I want you to feel comforted in fellowship and friendship, so please, please call on me any time and I'd be so glad to just share a quiet moment where together, even if it's quiet in the house, we are not alone. You nor I. If there is one thing I could change it would be to not only grant you peace but also companionship in some way or another to feel less alone, especially when you're sick. The next time you do any time, call or write me and I'll be happy to come by--and I have tons of loose tea to let you sample too so we can have our own tea party or just have a quiet cup of tea -- I still have the coffee press you both gave me about 13 years ago too!!! :) I'd love to share that with you or just to take care of you Skye--even if when you're physically better, but the next time you feel sick-at-heart, call on me then too... any time, please.

 
At January 17, 2009 3:30 PM, Blogger Star said...

I got sick a last month for the first time since my husband's death. I hated it! Yes, I was single before and I took care of myself just fine. But like you, it was just the thought that I HAD to do it alone.

I hope you get over the sickness soon.

 
At January 17, 2009 4:56 PM, Anonymous Roads said...

It's rough when you're sick and I hope you're feeling better now.

It's hard to be Superwoman all the time. Especially when you're sick and tired. Of quite a few things.

Spirits up. And hopefully throw up no more.

 
At January 17, 2009 8:13 PM, Blogger Skye said...

Thanks you guys!
Everyone’s kind posts and phone calls were much appreciated. I know it was just the flu, but it gave me smiles when I felt fragile and lonely. People checked in…both locally and the friends I have made in other distant cities and countries. Friends dropping food off on my porch. Many others offering to drop off anything else I might need. Although I felt like crap today…I also felt very loved. Thanks…

 
At January 17, 2009 10:18 PM, Blogger Sara said...

Skye, I am so sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well, but good to hear you were able to make it to get Alec dropped off.

I too, the first time I got sick. I missed my Mom horribly, but not on the same level you had with Dave. But I would call her at work and ask her if on her way home, could she pick me up something I needed. Or when she got home from work, she'd stop in before on her way upstairs and sometimes she'd offer to watch the kids or have them come upstairs to let me get some rest. (This was when Art worked 2nd shift.)

I am releived to hear that you did have some friends stop by to check on you and help you out.

 
At January 18, 2009 5:48 AM, Blogger Jess said...

Being a single mom can be really hard and for me, it's been especially tough when I get sick.

Somehow, you reach down and find it in you. You embody that Nike slogan - you Just Do It. Somehow.

While nothing replaces having someone there to nurse you back to health, there is an odd satisfaction that comes from muscling through it.

Once, I was hit with a bad case of step throat and somehow found the reserves to meet the kids basic needs. Sure, they watched more TV than I would've cared for typically, but after it was all over, I was really proud of myself for making it.

You're so strong. Even though it sucks, take friends and family up on their offers to help, and give youself some slack when nobody's around and you feel like a puddle.

I dunno, maybe it could help Alec a bit to see you be sick. You could let him help take care of you and then let him see you get better. Maybe he would feel good knowing that he helped. Dave's illness probably made him feel powerless. Letting him help nurse you back to health, could give him some of that power back.

Take care and feel better. If you ever want me to take Alec off your hands for you, I'm around. When you've got 3 kids, a 4th is truly no sweat.

Jess

 
At January 18, 2009 12:40 PM, Blogger Farm Girl Cat said...

Oh honey you have been on my mind lately alot. I hope you are feeling better today. We need to catch up soon. Love you
Cathie

 
At January 18, 2009 1:00 PM, Blogger Satine said...

Jess' comment, "I dunno, maybe it could help Alec a bit to see you be sick. You could let him help take care of you and then let him see you get better. Maybe he would feel good knowing that he helped. Dave's illness probably made him feel powerless. Letting him help nurse you back to health, could give him some of that power back" sounded enlightening to me too... even if he got upset at first, it would be a learning experience for him.

And then, remember to call on me too! :)

 

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