Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Life is just full of surprises…

All the little moments that make up our life are precious. They are the building blocks of our life. All the other stuff, the errands, the projects, the inconsequential crap that often times tend to overtake our daily lives…in the end means nothing. It is just filler. Life and truly living is the key. Sounds so cliché, but it is true.

Because one day you are sitting on top of the world and everything seems perfect. Life is wonderful. And the next moment you are curled in the fetal position beside your husband in a hospital bed…sobbing. The nurses furtively wandering the halls trying not to intrude as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that your husband has been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. That he is going to die. And mostly likely in mere months. It was heartbreaking and beyond conceivable. But it was how it was, albeit David gave em' a much longer run than expected. That was my reality.

Those days are forever etched on my mind. And have become a constant reminder to me that every second must be relished. Every smile, every laugh. Everything. And that is what I do now…

David and I spent every waking moment together. People always used to give us hell that the honeymoon would end someday and that always made us laugh. We were married 12 years and we never expected the ‘Honeymoon’ stage to end. We were inseparable and I thought I could never live without him.
Thankfully I was wrong…

I once told David that if I could, I would take the Cancer onto myself so he could live. I so desperately wanted him to live, even if it meant I could not. But he just smiled, gently stroked my face and said, “No wildflower, that is not your path. You were meant to live beloved. I never would have had the strength to go on without you, but you have always had a deeper strength inside you and will survive this. You will live. And smile for me.”

I remember those words. And after he died, I wanted to die too. But I didn't. I continued to live despite every cell in my body shrieking in pain. At first the only thing that kept life in this body was David’s will for me to live. And then in time it became my own. I learned that life. All life. Even my own…was precious. And I value it much more now than I probably ever have. I not only want to live, play and relish the world around me because David’s time was cut short…but I want to do it for me. How crazy is that?!

There is so much beauty surrounding us, if we only take a moment to sit and embrace it. And despite the dark roads I traveled with David. And the many dark nights I traveled alone. I have seen so much of that beauty around me. I see it in my little boy and his wonder at the world. In the friends and family who stood with me, weathering the dark storms that buffeted my life. My mom who did things that no mom should ever have to do for her daughter or son-in-law. In rainy days. Moonlit skies. In the winds blowing through the trees. And the sound of rain splashing the windowsill. There is beauty everywhere. And despite the damnable fact that death is a part of our lives. So is life.

Some have said that they felt a shift in my writing for some time. Albeit, my posts have become infrequent as of late. But for those of you who had not already felt this shift, I have someone in my life. I never intended to be dating so soon really. It just happened. He came into my life as a friend and has now found space in my heart. Most are absolutely delighted. Many have been supportive. Some have been surprised and a few might even be aghast. But that too is life.

It takes my breath away sometimes. How much beauty is out there, if you only open your heart and mind to it. I stood on a dock not too long ago wrapped in his arms. Watching the night sky and feeling a peace I have not known for some time. Marveling that I have found someone who gives me not only smiles and laughter, but friendship and love. I found something I had not even realized I was even remotely ready for and have been able to connect with someone in a way I never honestly expected to be able to do again.

I am finding new things about myself and experiencing things I probably never would have tried. And if anyone had told me a few years ago that I would be having a fabulous time sitting on a boat, relaxing, drinking an Eastside Dark and fishing…I would have laughed at them. Life is full of surprises isn’t it?! Life is limitless and I am finding so is love.

I never expected to be here, especially so soon. And I have no clue where I am going. But life has so much beauty and love to offer, if we let our hearts lead the way. And I for one am ready…

17 Comments:

At September 16, 2009 8:42 PM, Blogger Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I'm very happy for you! Finding love is real reminder of our own independence and value after we're set loose by loss.

Hoping for gory details! :-)

X

Supa

 
At September 16, 2009 10:30 PM, Anonymous Nutella said...

Beautiful.

 
At September 17, 2009 5:05 AM, Blogger Jess said...

"Life is limitless and I am finding so is love."

Poetry.

 
At September 17, 2009 7:31 AM, Blogger Vicki said...

So very happy for you, Skye! Finding true love once, is beautiful. To find it again, is an amazing gift!

Vicki

 
At September 17, 2009 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is what I've been waiting for.

 
At September 17, 2009 11:41 AM, Blogger Star said...

You have no idea how much this post thrills me. So much of your blog has mirrored my grief. And now this! I am so glad. So so glad.

I met someone about 2.5 months ago. And I am feeling a peace and love that I cannot believe I am feeling so soon.

And when I saw the lack of posts, I was hoping this was why.

I am so glad I am not alone in finding love again. Again, you have made me feel "normal" as much as any young widow can.

 
At September 18, 2009 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

skye, i commented a couple of months ago after your 'potty training' post. you were so kind in answering me and i took your advice 'eat when you can...' to heart. my husband has since died, in july actually, but of course i kept checking in on your blog.

as someone else here said, when you didn't post for such a long time i thought that there could only be two possible reasons. either you 'fell into a hole of misery' because it's been a year since david died (correct me if i am wrong). or you found new love. i am so so glad that it is the latter. so glad.

already during my husband's illness i thought that one day i would like to find new love, someone healthy, someone who could walk side by side with me in a generally unknown but hopeful direction. i don't know if that makes sense. and, although i loved my husband more than anyone before, except my kids, although i felt and don't feel in any way ready to engage with someone else, although i feel guilty that for me there is an 'after' but not for him - this thought was and is soothing. now to see that you have started a new path with someone is wonderful for me. i wish you all the love, support and 'togetherness' that you have had to go without during the terrible time of david's illness and after his death. you deserve it.

soenje
soenje

 
At September 18, 2009 9:05 PM, Anonymous Al said...

Great news, Skye!

I am certain David is happy for you as well.

God bless and be well,

Al

 
At September 18, 2009 10:13 PM, Anonymous Kerri said...

"We were inseparable and I thought I could never live without him.
Thankfully I was wrong…"

Those words, especially, brought tears to my eyes, my dear friend. My heart is so happy for you... I know you still have dark days but they are further apart and now there's someone to hold you close again until the light comes peeking back in. xoxo.

 
At September 19, 2009 10:05 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I'm so happy for you. They say that those who are able to truly open their heart to love are very likely to find love again -- you are proof that that is true. Thank you for sharing. I have hope that I will find love again too.

 
At September 22, 2009 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We're so happy for you!

-- Beaux & Hollis

 
At September 22, 2009 2:29 PM, Blogger Betsy said...

so very pleased to read this entry! Your own happiness shines through your beautiful words. You'll still miss David, but how wonderful to feel a new hope, a new love. I'm so happy for you.

Betsy

 
At September 25, 2009 9:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you love life and all that's in it, life will surely love you back.

Good on yer!

 
At September 25, 2009 9:06 PM, Anonymous Roads said...

Sorry -- that was me. Clearly in a philosophical, if trigger-happy mood.

But the sentiments still hold...

 
At September 27, 2009 10:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god skye...chris and i are so happy to read your last post. knew you had to much love in your heart not to share it with someone special. we think of you often...janine

 
At September 28, 2009 8:58 AM, Blogger Sara said...

I have been so busy this past summer, but you were always in my thoughts. But I would still forget to read your blogs.

I am so happy to hear you found someone! Congrats! I personally don't think it's too soon. We all have the ability to love and for you to find someone, shows me just how strong you are.

 
At November 04, 2009 11:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Outstanding! We're very happy for you.

Mark & Anne

 

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