Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Clean...

I breath a sigh of relief today...
Today was David's MRI. It came out "clean" as his Oncologist would say. I'm so happy. I feel more relieved than you can ever know. I have no clue why...but for some reason this was a really tough one. It's not his first and definitely won't be his last MRI. But for some crazy reason this one just got to me. I've had a really tough week leading up to it. I guess I just let my fears get to me. Those damn fears. They'll rule you if you let them. I'm learning to live without fear and live our life. But DAMN. Sometimes it's just hard. And when I stumble onto some nasty statistic somewhere or someone says something like, "When do you think it'll return?" And for some reason at that moment...it gets to me. I take a stupid little, thoughtless comment and it sends me into a spiral. My fears resurface. Fears of loosing my soulmate. Fear of a life without David. And I go into this completely unproductive tail spin. Usually I'm able to get out of a nasty space pretty fast. Hell, lately I've been doing "visualization" techniques and I'm able to change a negative thought into a positive one almost instantly. But for some reason I couldn't this time. And then I began beating myself up about the fact that I was letting my fears get to me. I know. It's human. I'm human. But I hate it.

But here we are. I breath a sigh of relief and my heart is lighter. The MRI was clean. The Oncologist was impressed. He even said the scar tissue is almost gone. Which by the way, is crazy strange and WONDERFUL! I don't think anyone can explain it and that's ok by me. Dave is a force to be reckoned with and he plans on being here for many years to come. I've learned over the past couple months that Dave can pretty much manifest anything he wants. He says he will be out of the hospital in days...and he was. He says he will feel no nauseous and little fatigue during the treatments...and he did. He says that he is Cancer Free...and I believe him. As insane as that is. I believe him. I almost think the doctors are starting to believe as well. They may not admit it...But I think they do. Dave is contrary to everything they say should be happening. And many people...including doctors have told us that the mind is a mysterious thing. And that sometimes things happen that go unexplained.

So...here we are. A little over 3 months from when this all began and David's scar tissue is almost gone. The doctor was very impressed. He said that if he could have his way...Dave would only have to have MRI's every 2 months for the next year during Chemo. But the protocols for the trial say otherwise and that's ok. They're paying for the Chemo and if they want an MRI every month, so be it. Hell. After 2 MRI's at over $2,500 a crack. We max out our out of pocket expenses for the year for doctors visits. It just makes me feel good knowing that the doctor doesn't think David needs to be tested as much either.

Dave begins his Chemo treatments tomorrow again. It will be 5 days on and 20 days off. The dossage is about double, which I didn't realize. But it's for only 5 days and I know David will do well. He has not only his strength but mine to carry him through this.

So. Here's where I'm at. Far from noble but I'm getting by. I take strength each day in our love and happiness and know that 40 years from now we'll be blowing the candles off our 50th Anniversary cake!

Continue to Dream my friends and hopefully the next post will be free of Tumor Talk. Or at least will cover something else along with the lastest news...

2 Comments:

At October 05, 2006 8:49 PM, Blogger Cathie said...

That is wonderful :) Dave is an amazing person, I knew his strength would get you both through this. Love you guys

 
At October 06, 2006 11:00 AM, Anonymous Michelle said...

This is so good to hear! *hugs*

 

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