Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Ah, the angst...

Ok. I know it's been awhile. And yes...I always say I'll update this more but who are we kidding? Life is crazy. Crazier sometimes more than others.

Where to begin. I guess we'll start by saying David had his second MRI. It came out clean...just as we expected. He's doing so well. The doctor was so pleased he's doing so well that he decided to up his Chemo meds by a ton. Lovely. So now instead of 220mg a day...he's taking 310mg. Suffice to say that's a hell of a lot more than he was taking. He's still doing considerably well considering he's gone through Radiation, 45 days of Chemo and now is on his 2nd cycle of Chemo for the 12 month sequence. But the higher dosage is taking its toll. He was very tired and nauseous. It was hard to see and brought home what he's going through and what we're facing. It's been a couple of dark days lately. I hate that this has happened. I hate seeing what it's doing to his body. I hate that I'm terrified at the prospect of a life without him. I hate it all. We're too damn young to be going through this and damn it this sucks. Obviously I'm working through a little anger on all this. It's the fear talking.

I'm trying to be strong and optimistic and stoic. But damn's so hard sometimes. I have a great marriage to an incredible man and I want to grow old with him. Enjoying our life together as we have always done. I don't want to be alone without him and I'm sure as hell not ready to do this parenting thing alone. So here I am. Falling apart at the seams it feels sometimes. Friends have said I'm doing incredibly well considering what has happened in the last 4 months. But I feel like I'm a mess. So. There it is. It just is sometimes very cathartic to just put all my emotions and crap out there. It releases them so I’m not carrying them around all day. So indulge me…

And don't get me wrong. I have good days and even great days… We've been playing a lot and enjoying life. Which is how it should be. I don't spend my days falling apart. It just hits me sometimes and feels like someone has taken all of the air from my lungs and then I feel sad. I cry and then I pull myself together and move on. I try to remember that life is too damn short no matter if you live to 100 to be moping about all day. David is here and doing well and we're continuing to enjoy our life together.

So amidst all this angst we're still having good days. At night and on the weekends, when we have time to spend together, I feel more at peace and happy. We both do. We're spending a lot of quiet time together while David is recouping from the last Chemo treatment. He's already feeling better this morning and we hope to fire up the kiln this weekend or next week and do our first "official" firing. So far we did the initial one to clean the kiln and seal the coils. So now it's ready to go. So let the adventure begin and the art making to commence!


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