Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Life is just full of surprises…

All the little moments that make up our life are precious. They are the building blocks of our life. All the other stuff, the errands, the projects, the inconsequential crap that often times tend to overtake our daily lives…in the end means nothing. It is just filler. Life and truly living is the key. Sounds so cliché, but it is true.

Because one day you are sitting on top of the world and everything seems perfect. Life is wonderful. And the next moment you are curled in the fetal position beside your husband in a hospital bed…sobbing. The nurses furtively wandering the halls trying not to intrude as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that your husband has been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. That he is going to die. And mostly likely in mere months. It was heartbreaking and beyond conceivable. But it was how it was, albeit David gave em' a much longer run than expected. That was my reality.

Those days are forever etched on my mind. And have become a constant reminder to me that every second must be relished. Every smile, every laugh. Everything. And that is what I do now…

David and I spent every waking moment together. People always used to give us hell that the honeymoon would end someday and that always made us laugh. We were married 12 years and we never expected the ‘Honeymoon’ stage to end. We were inseparable and I thought I could never live without him.
Thankfully I was wrong…

I once told David that if I could, I would take the Cancer onto myself so he could live. I so desperately wanted him to live, even if it meant I could not. But he just smiled, gently stroked my face and said, “No wildflower, that is not your path. You were meant to live beloved. I never would have had the strength to go on without you, but you have always had a deeper strength inside you and will survive this. You will live. And smile for me.”

I remember those words. And after he died, I wanted to die too. But I didn't. I continued to live despite every cell in my body shrieking in pain. At first the only thing that kept life in this body was David’s will for me to live. And then in time it became my own. I learned that life. All life. Even my own…was precious. And I value it much more now than I probably ever have. I not only want to live, play and relish the world around me because David’s time was cut short…but I want to do it for me. How crazy is that?!

There is so much beauty surrounding us, if we only take a moment to sit and embrace it. And despite the dark roads I traveled with David. And the many dark nights I traveled alone. I have seen so much of that beauty around me. I see it in my little boy and his wonder at the world. In the friends and family who stood with me, weathering the dark storms that buffeted my life. My mom who did things that no mom should ever have to do for her daughter or son-in-law. In rainy days. Moonlit skies. In the winds blowing through the trees. And the sound of rain splashing the windowsill. There is beauty everywhere. And despite the damnable fact that death is a part of our lives. So is life.

Some have said that they felt a shift in my writing for some time. Albeit, my posts have become infrequent as of late. But for those of you who had not already felt this shift, I have someone in my life. I never intended to be dating so soon really. It just happened. He came into my life as a friend and has now found space in my heart. Most are absolutely delighted. Many have been supportive. Some have been surprised and a few might even be aghast. But that too is life.

It takes my breath away sometimes. How much beauty is out there, if you only open your heart and mind to it. I stood on a dock not too long ago wrapped in his arms. Watching the night sky and feeling a peace I have not known for some time. Marveling that I have found someone who gives me not only smiles and laughter, but friendship and love. I found something I had not even realized I was even remotely ready for and have been able to connect with someone in a way I never honestly expected to be able to do again.

I am finding new things about myself and experiencing things I probably never would have tried. And if anyone had told me a few years ago that I would be having a fabulous time sitting on a boat, relaxing, drinking an Eastside Dark and fishing…I would have laughed at them. Life is full of surprises isn’t it?! Life is limitless and I am finding so is love.

I never expected to be here, especially so soon. And I have no clue where I am going. But life has so much beauty and love to offer, if we let our hearts lead the way. And I for one am ready…