Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Around the bend…

I have been thinking about this crazy journey we all call life lately...
Our own individual paths. How we intersect with each others lives. How people come and go. I think of the many people that have entered my life that would probably never have been a part of it if David had not gotten sick. Had not died. And yet, here they are. Amazing friends who have decided to walk with me for awhile.

And the many old friends and family who have astonishingly decided to stay on, despite how incredibly dark and dirty this road got. They have helped me traverse the pot holes and the quagmires that threatened to pull me under. They picked me up when I fell down and when I could not stand…they sat with me in the dirt while I cried.

I think about this so often and am continuously astounded. Some of them saw things that people should never have to see or experience. And yet they did, because they were my friends and they did not want me to have to go it alone. And despite all that has happened, we continue on. Some have meandered off my path and onto others. Some may return…and some may very well never. And I am finding I am ok with that. Many more have joined me than have dropped off and I have found that I have some amazingly strong, beautiful people in my life. We are all walking along…we are all walking different paths. But at least we are doing it together. No one should walk alone for long.

And I am finding that none of us really know what is around the bend. I take great comfort in knowing that there are others out there continuing forward no matter what obstacles or crap have fallen onto their paths. We just climb over it, or go around it or turn into an entirely different direction…taking us to places we never expected or intended to go. And along the way there are indelibly new adventures awaiting us! New paths. New experiences. Unforeseen and delightful surprises.

I am learning to try not to fear so much about the future. It will be there. It is not going anywhere. It is waiting for me…whatever it may be. But it is there. I still have a future. It lays spread out before me. It was not the future I was planning. It is not where I intended to be, but it is there.

Much of it is obscured in unknowns and much of it lies further down the path than I can see. Sometimes I try to stand up on my tip toes, straining to see what lies ahead. But the distance is too great, so now I must just dance along my own path and see what comes. Trying all the while to embrace the anticipation of the limitless possibilities and unknowns that await me around the bend.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


How do we do this? Any of us. Day in and day out? I am so tired of being alone. Of carrying all this crap around in me all the time. Of being strong. Of being a single parent. Of being a single woman. I hate it all some days. Although that statement in itself is laughable. Of course I hate it! This is not a dance on the beach or frolic in the park. It is widowhood.

I never envisioned my life would take a detour down this hellishly shitty road and some days it sucks. Some days more than others. And some days are amazingly quite bearable. But I hate this road…I really do. Whether the day be filled with smiles or tears.

I miss having someone around to talk to at night. Someone to share my life with. Someone to hold me and who makes me come alive. Arms I can find peace and solace from the world in. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy all at once. Someone to just love me.

Some days I wake up and I feel so strong I could take on the whole damn world…many days actually. And then there are days like these. I do not know where they come from or what starts them. But it is like a dark oily tar bubble that just finds its way up to the surface and POP. Out it comes…

Many days I feel so strong but then when one of those little oily bubbles makes their way to the surface. Pop. Everything seems darker. I feel darker and my thoughts seem to take me down with them.

I am so often optimistic about the future and do not have a damn clue why. But I just believe it. Believe it to my core. Believe I will be ok. Believe I will get through all of this and that something…somehow is waiting for me on the other side of all this shit.

And then there are these days. The days where the future is so damn scary and my heart is filled with loneliness and this insurmountable fragility. My insecurities kick in and I wonder if there is hope out there for me. For my future. Will I ever find love again someday? Will I find peace in someone’s arms again? Will someone fall in love with all my crazy quirkiness and all my ‘widow’ baggage. And love both Alec and I as a family. God, I just don’t know…and that terrifies me. And it makes this road I travel on very quiet, very long and very dark.

Friday, March 13, 2009

That’s my girl…

Lately everyone has been asking how I am doing. Good question.
How am I doing? I am not sure myself anymore. Some days are good...some not so good. But I am laughing more than crying, so that is something. I wake up feeling good and am trying to enjoy life and play as much as possible. I am doing things I never would have entertained doing before, like archery lessons.
Simply put, I am living…

The best way to describe it is that my thoughts are more like a quiet sadness now. I have fewer days of the earth shattering pain. They still come and they still knock me down with the force of a storm, but they are becoming shorter and the clouds and rain tend to dissipate faster than before. I am still moving forward, even if some days it is a more circuitous route.

I still think of David all the time and continue to talk to him frequently, but I find our conversations different now. Not that he ever really responds. No worries, I am not koo-koo for cocoa-puffs. But I continue to talk to Dave a lot . I do believe he is listening in some capacity, like he always said he would. I remember way back when, what seems like a lifetime ago, when he told me that he would always be there listening, he just might not always be able to respond.

But I digress...
We talk a lot, but I find myself chattering on about the day now. Or Alec. Or something entertaining that I know he would have appreciated. I talk more to him now. I do not plead as much. For the pain to end. For his return. For him not to be dead. Because I know that there is no return. There is no turning back the clocks on this one.

I do not scream at him as much anymore either. I am guessing he was always bemused by my tyrannical outbreaks. It is not that he ever wanted to die; he fought like hell to live. I know this. But he died and I used to yell out because I missed my lover. Because I was scared. Because he died and left me alone, raising our child as a single parent. Not that he had a choice, but I was in so much pain and I hated that I was stuck here on this rock without him. But now, I tend to smile more when I think of David. His love still gives me strength and I think always will. I will carry him with me always and he will be with me on every new adventure I embark on. He is a part of me now…

Just the other day as Alec and I were dancing around the house “Shaking it” to Metro Station I just had to laugh. As Alec squealed out “I love this song!” I could just see David swirling amongst the stars smiling and shaking his head, because I was converting the poor kid to my music. It made me smile from ear to ear. Because when we are having a good day, I can feel his love and joy for us and our life coming through.

I wish like hell every day he was here with me to experience a warm sunny day or dance in the moonlight with me. I miss my love and my heart aches for him. But I know he is here. He will always be here…wherever I go and whatever I do. Not the way I ever envisioned, but nothing in life ever is. And every time I fall down and get back up again…or smile and laugh at the universe, I can just hear him saying, “That’s my girl…”

Sunday, March 01, 2009

The eye of the storm…

How do we do this? Live amongst all the crap swirling around us and yet somehow continue on, living in the eye of the storm. How do we get up each day knowing what we know. How does that knowledge not haunt our every waking movement? And when it is quiet...and sometimes it is quiet. Almost peaceful. How do we enjoy that blissfull calm?

Sometimes as you are sitting admiring the calm, that is when you are taken unawares. You unwittingly end up meandering closer to the storm. And that storm…well, it smacks the shit out of you. And as you stumble along, you get battered and torn. And yet you continue standing. Proud and resolute. I can do this, you say. I can survive this.

And then something comes out of nowhere and hits you upside the head. Sometimes hard enough to knock you down. And you sit there stunned for a spell. Wondering where the hell it came from. You cry. You cry some more…and then you get up again. Searching for a way out. Searching for a door that does not exist. There is no door. All you can do is wait it out. Wait for the storm to dissipate and hope like hell that when everything has passed you are still standing.
That is all we can do…It is what I do tonight.