Thursday, March 29, 2007

Go Figure

So here I am…chugging along. Getting a bit twitchy because we’re coming up on the day for Dave to be scanned. It’s been two month since his last scan…and I know in my heart he’s ok. And yet this damn fear just begins to slowly seep in. I try to ignore it…knowing that the fear is completely unproductive and actually hinders me. I think I have gotten mastery over it and then I watch this show. Doctor Who of all things. And it brings me to my knees. Go figure.

It wasn’t even a particularly amazing episode. I’m not a big supporter of the Doctor falling in love with his assistant and the mushy emotional stuff. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a romantic…but it just doesn’t jive with me for Doctor Who. Call me a purist. Give me great story lines and wonderful alien planets and worthy causes…but don’t give me a sad love affair of unrequited love in one of my favorite sci-fi shows. But I’m digressing. This one little episode, although nothing spectacular, brought me to my knees because the driving thought behind it went to my core. Alone. What an awful thought. The actress actually did what I consider a pretty damn good job of that utter sense of bereavement and loss. And it shook me. And all my walls came down. And I cried. Because it made me think of the utter devastation of loosing the love of your life. And how the mere thought of it sometimes makes me just want to stop. Stop feeling. Stop the aching in my chest. Stop everything in hopes that the fleeting thought passes. And as I watched this character…I didn’t see her. I saw me. And all my fears about loosing David came to the surface. And I lost it. But I guess we all have to do that sometimes. And I guess it’s better to acknowledge the fears and let them come to the surface where they can breath and be released…instead of hiding them away deep down inside and letting them fester. Well, at least this is what I’m telling myself right now.

But on a more upbeat note…Dave had his MRI this morning…and as expected his MRI was clean. He’s doing amazingly well and even his doctor seems to have become a believer and said he expected nothing less. There was absolutely no change… and the doctor even compared it to his January scan. Dave never doubted it for a moment. Actually Dave knew he would be fine. Once again proving this whole mind over matter thing. The mind is an amazing thing…and Dave it teaching me that if you truly believe in something…you have the power to make it happen.

Later this afternoon I had the rare opportunity of joining David at the hospital to pick up his latest cycle of Chemo, which is usually ready 4-5 hours after his MRI. What an interesting trip that was. We drove up and got our “preferential” Cancer parking space up front, which Dave says is one of the perks of this whole Cancer thing. And then he began humming a tune. Which if you’re unfamiliar with Froedtert…each floor of the parking garage has a flower assigned to it and they play a song that corresponds to that flower and only that one song. Cute. We walk into the elevator area of the parking garage and they’re playing that same damn tune …and of course Dave knows it because he always parks on the “rose” level and there are red roses everywhere. Kind of wacky. And as he humming, he turns to me and says, “I don’t take the elevators here. I take the stairs…and sometimes I take them at a run.” I just had to laugh. I don’t know why I worry so much sometimes. He’s fine. Hell. I had a tough time keeping up with him as he trucked up the stairway at mach speed. And I just kept thinking to myself…and he’s the one on CHEMO! Nuts.

So, once we enter the walkway into Froedtert there is an older woman manning a desk, presumably for information and assistance. And as we whisk past her Dave waves and says, “Hi Betty.” I guess he’s beginning to know everyone on a first name basis. And when we walked up to the prescription counter…he was greeted by his first name by the pharmacist. She seemed delighted to see him and was as amazed as everyone else at how well David is doing on Chemo. She didn’t say it directly…but you could tell by her voice and when she asked, “How many cycles is it now Dave?” And then seemed a bit surprised and yet happy when he said 7. And as I watched everyone around us interact with David…I knew how amazing he is and how utterly amazing he is doing. And I know he will continue to do well. Because of who he is and his incredible optimism and willpower to survive.

So…In a period of 24 hours…I went from feeling so sad it felt like my heart would fall apart to standing in the sunshine and feeling optimistic for our future. What a crazy ride it’s been. Hopefully the rest of the week won’t be filled with quite so many hi’s and low’s. But I guess we’ll just have to see where the roads take us…

Oh...and on a side note...can you believe it's only been 5 days since my last post? Don't get too used to it!

Saturday, March 24, 2007


This has been quite an exciting month for us.
David and I went on our first vacation alone, just the two of us, since our honeymoon. Sad as this may be, it’s true. Now don’t get me wrong. We’ve had some lovely vacations over the years; we just always ended up spending it with family or friends. So, we got away just the two of us this time. Left the little one with the grandparents and hopped a plane to Las Vegas. It was a blast. David was able to get a great rate through his work and we nabbed it! Even though neither Dave nor I are gamblers (We gambled a whole whopping $1 while we were there) and we’re not big drinkers (And now that Dave is on his drugs he doesn’t drink at all) we still had a grand time. We ate a lot, walked a lot, played a lot and all and all had a lovely time away from all the day-to-day stuff here.

At first we weren’t sure about going. We worried about being apart from Alec for 4 days and we knew that albeit it was a great deal…it still really wasn’t in our budget. But then we realized when would be an ideal time? And life is passing us by while we’re waiting for that perfect time to get away, so we said the hell with it and went. I’m glad we did. It was worth every penny. We spent long hours just people watching and even longer hours just chatting in cushy little chairs in tucked away nooks and crannies in the Bellagio sipping overpriced but exceedingly good coffee and amazing French pastries from this awesome patisserie. And all the worrying over Alec missing us…well…we needn’t have worried at all. The little guy had so much fun with grandma and grandpa that I don’t think he lost much sleep over the fact we were gone for a couple days. He got to stay up until 10:30 pm (His normal bedtime is 7:30) and eat all sorts of yummy, crazy foods mom and dad never let him have and best of all he got to snuggle up next to grandma every night in her big bed! What fun.

Another big event this month was that Alec began preschool. Yes, I know he’s young and yes…it is mid-school year. We didn’t plan it this way. We had been looking for preschool for the fall and were coming up empty. Many had different philosophies that weren’t us, others were amazing but the costs were insane (I believe early education is very important…but I also believe putting food on the table is just as important) So, after a lot of searching and even more phone interviews and walk-throughs we found one. It was perfect and we went on the waiting list for a slot in fall. And then the director said she had some spaces available now and that if we wanted to start now we could, as well as be guaranteed a spot in fall. We still weren’t sure about it…and then TV reared its ugly head. We found the munchkin was getting a bit more TV time than we liked while mom was at work 3 days a week and he was asking for it all of the time. I know he may be young but I think he’s ready and him getting out and playing for 5 hours a day, once a week can’t hurt him. He has 4 other children in his class and they do both outdoor and indoor play, music, art, both snack and lunchtime and also kindergarten readiness including letters, numbers and all that other good stuff. He started two weeks ago and he’s been amazing. He didn’t cry at all the first time and the second week he had only a few tears. He plays great with the others, shares well and loves the art projects. Could I be any more of the proud parent? So, I think this was a good choice, although we went into this wondering if we were smoking crack! He is completely fine, no weird abandonment issues as of yet, and he seems to really like it there. He actually ran into the room the last time I dropped him off. And seeing as it is only once a week, he’s still getting his much needed love and play time at grandma and grandpas twice a week. Although as much as he seems to like preschool, he’s still very ready when I go to pick him up. As soon as he sees me he runs up and gives me a big hug, then grabs his bag and jacket and heads for the door. Like, it’s been grand but let’s blow this popsickle stand! I’m glad he’s doing so well there but it still nice to know we’re needed!

So. Here’s where we’re at. Sorry it’s been so long. It’s been a nutty month. But hell…you guys expect nothing less right? I had a friend tell me the other night that she doesn’t view it as I blog too little. She said she would worry if I was blogging too much…that would mean I don’t have a life. So, she said it was good that we’re out there enjoying life, each other, our family and all the other wonderful and amazing things that surround us.

So, next time you check the blog and I haven’t updated for yet ANOTHER week…smile and know that I am out there somewhere having a lovely time with my family. After that you can then send me the email saying wassup you lazy little git! Just kidding.

Take care and Continue to Dream.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

People are funny…well…sort of…

Ok. I just have a little something to say. I love all of the support we have had, so please don’t get me wrong. Actually…it’s one of the things that have helped us get through each day and begin to move forward and past the craziness. But I believe that there is a big difference between support and being completely insensitive.

I know that sometimes people say the wrong thing and sometimes you just don’t know what to say at all. I completely understand that. Hell…I’ve been there. And I’ve said stupid things when trying to be supportive and muddled through an awkward situation. And now…I’m even more aware of what I say and how I say it. When something happens now to friends or someone around me I feel like I should have some precious pearl of wisdom to share with them. So many friends have shared such special and private moments and emotions with me and they have said such beautiful wise things. And yet…even now, when I am faced with the same situation with someone else, I am sometimes at a loss for words myself.

But I can say this. I do know that saying, “Wow…I’m so proud of you guys. You’re doing so well and living life to the fullest…especially since Dave could die any day now.” WHAT the hell? I’m sorry but I don’t see how that is supportive. How is that supposed to make me feel better? Not only does it make my heart constrict and bring all my fears back up to the surface…but that’s a hell of a thing to say to someone going through this. Saying something like, wow…you guys are doing so great with the adversity you’re facing is fine. But inferring that we have to live life to the fullest because we all know Dave’s days are numbered is like stabbing me in the heart.

Another favorite as of late is when someone comes up to me and asks in a whisper. “How is Dave doing with the cancer?” These people tend to say the sentence out loud…only whispering the word “cancer.” Now, I’m unsure why they’re whispering. Is this a taboo subject? And if so, don’t even bother asking it. If you’re going to ask it. Just ask it. Don’t whisper. What does she think…that by whispering the cancer won’t over hear her?

I know that this sounds like a bitchy post. But sometimes I’m flabbergasted by the things people have said to me all in the name of support. But I also don’t want this ranting to stop anyone from asking about David and I or about his treatments. I honestly don’t mind talking about it. (Note: Although asking during the middle of a party is not always ideal. It brings not only me down…but others around us having the conversation.) I don’t mind discussing it and please don’t worry about reminding me what we’re facing. Believe me. I know and haven’t forgotten. It’s something I carry with me every day.

So. Please keep the support coming. Both of us need it. And if you have questions ask. If you just want to say, “Wow, this really sucks and how are you guys doing?” That’s fine too. I know that the people reading this are not the ones that I’m ranting about. I just wanted to vent to someone. Because it annoys me and honestly brings up my own very real fears. As always…thanks for listening.